You know, we don’t give ourselves enough credit. Here we are, each month, slaving away over a hot laptop in the hope of raising a chuckle here and there. We are creating nostalgia. This is a body of work that most people can only dream of. What a load of THINGS we carry on doing. How many humans do you know that can boast about a website, a series of podcasts, half a dozen award-winning albums, a web comic, two children’s book series and more booklets of nonsense than a weekend with Vic Reeves’ eyebrows?
Take a break from all that work. Let’s commend someone who needs commending. Let us chuck out a couple of accolades every now and then to really salute the best of the best. There are award ceremonies for practically everything these days so pull up a chair and we can take a look. This month it is quite clear who the award should go to and that person is…
Congratulations Kevin, you win the ‘There was an Attempt’ award for effort. Having been nosin’ around the website in the back, I could see that a post was started and there was some interesting content. I only wish that you had the time in order to complete it as it would have made a fascinating read. As it happens, I am sure that eventually it will join the ranks of other fully-fledged posts and take it’s place amongst the greatest. Let’s gaze upon this marvel:
Verbatim. Wonderful. It’s a thing of beauty. It needs its own stunning vista and inspirational poster. Although it may sound like the noises you hear in the toilet cubicle next you in the gents, it’s sheer poetry.
Well done Kev and keep up the good work, all of you! Next month you could be in line for something special.
Here’s a challenge that none of us will be able to resist.
You know what to do. You have the words. You can also use any other word you like, as long as the other words are no longer than four letters long. I also choose to permit the words “scintillate”, “bigamy” and “washing machine”.
Early. Bleary-eyed. Rummaging through emails before work and there it is.
Now I have my fair share of luck like everyone else. I’m not swimming in lottery wins yet occasionally the cosmos chucks me a bone and a I manage a few numbers in the Chunderball. It’s a balancing act no doubt due to my years of annoying people and general sanctimonious behaviour. Yes, me. Look at me.
I’m your what the what now? This email sat in my inbox is telling me I’m a winner. It is praising me for winning more than anyone else. I am a winner. I have won a VIP trip for two adults to attend the UEFA Champions League Final Madrid 2019. I would rather stick my eye sockets in a paste of pepper and lemon juice than have anything to do with fucking football but even so, it does come with hotel accommodation and a £250.00 prepaid card so I can stick twos up at the final and go off to get hammered in some squalid Spanish bar, where the locals can pick my pocket when I am stumbling back to my hotel room around 7pm or however long it takes for me to get wasted these days.
This is pushed to one side by my acute distinct overwhelming sense of pessimism. “What do you think you’re doing? You actually believe you’ve won a competition? When did you enter this competition”
“I… I erm I don’t er… I didn’t?”
“Well done, genius! You didn’t. Why on earth would you have entered a competition to win tickets to the UEFA Champions League Final? It’s clearly a sham. It’s a fake. They’re trying to scam your sorry ass for a quick buck.”
Having checked the details, even though it looked like a genuine email I was inclined to agree with my pessimism that it was some hoodlums attempting swindle the last few pennies from my account. Like with all great phishing scandals, I sent a message to Zavvi saying that I had received an email that looked about as legitimate as a Smidge Manly Coco Loco advertisement from Spain, and asked them to verify if this was the case. I received a response a few hours later, two responses in fact. It seems as though a lot of people had received the same email I had because the first reply was a mass-produced email from Zavvi apologising for their error. This was further confirmed by the poor customer service adviser who had to message me back to say that I had not won the tickets, as well as several tweets from people on Twitter who had gone through the same highs and lows as I had.
So in one sense I have missed out on the chance of flying to Spain to live out a brief fantasy of downing alcohol in a foreign country. On the other hand though I have avoided a poxy holiday based around a shit game of football.
It’s been a long time coming and the tension is almost too much to bear. A couple of months ago, we asked the Beans Massive to tell us what a Llandudno seagull was thinking back in May 2017 when he was photographed thusly.
It’s taken a while to select a winner, principally because of the difficulty of locating this exact seagull and then establishing a way of communicating a question about its internal thought processes from nearly two years ago that it could understand, and then interpreting its answer. It has also proven a bit tricky to get it to select a prize.
There’s been huge excitement across the Beans Network since the Seagull Competition was launched, and rightly so. Collating the entries, producing a shortlist and selecting a winner has taken a bit longer than expected, because of the difficulties of tracking down the exact seagull that was photographed in Llandudno in 2017 and then getting it to pay some attention to the competition entries.
Right now we have the seagull tagged, and all the entries laid out neatly on the pier, and we’re waiting for it to fly back down to a bag of chips we’ve enticingly dumped on the floor so we can get it to pick a winner.
These two giants of the rapping world have been teasing this for the last couple of weeks and the hype has reached unobtainable levels. Ian “Flashback” McBugle and Sheriff Rockingham aka Chris Marshall, both ex members of pioneering genre-bending super group ‘The Rapples’, are gearing up for what is expected to be THE rap battle of the week, maybe even the day.
If you’ve been monitoring their comments you’ll know the frenzy that surrounds this encounter. Tickets have been sold out for ages but you lucky, lucky people get to hear the whole thing as it happens right here on Beans FM.
Both competitors are still at the top of their. Sheriff Rockingham has been flexing his vocal muscles on a recent jaunt abroad, amazing the locals with his keen observations and spilt-second timing. Flashback, however, has been trawling the mean streets of the North East, picking lyrical fights with pensioners trying to buy stamps at the post office.
Take a seat, ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Over to you, boys…
He’s perched on a lamp post on Llandudno pier, gazing out to sea. Down below, fat tourists wander around with sticky donuts and runny ice cream, but from his vantage point, the sound of waddling morons dies away. He hears the wind whipping at his sleek feathers and the call of the other gulls circling above. He sees the sun glimmering from the rolling peaks of the slate grey Irish Sea. He is deep in existential contemplation.
The question is, what is he contemplating?
That important question is not just about probing the philosophical leanings of a Welsh sea bird. It’s also your route to a big, big prize, which may or may not be fish-based.
If you think you know the answer, and you’d like to be in with a chance of winning the Luxury Mystery Prize that might have been selected by a seagull, then leave your answer, answers or both in the comments below.
“… the time is coming up to 12:17 right here on Shoe FM, churning out the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.
As ever I am your host through the toast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. We can take it nice and slow or go hell for leather; whatever the occasion.
Once the mid-mid-morning news is out of the way I will be playing the pink-tastic ‘I Only Have Eyes for Shoe’ by the fantabulous Flamingoes swiftly followed by ‘Shoe to Me are Everything’ by the Real Thing, one of those toe-tappers you cannot help but get off your feet and dance to; I know I will be. Then it’ll be a triple whammy of ‘Only Shoe’ by the Platters, ‘Only Shoe’ by Sting and ending with the lovely ‘Only Shoe’ by Yazoo.
If there is a better playlist out there I would like to see it myself because I do not believe it exists.
Later on today we will also be playing our wonderful game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’ where listeners are invited to call in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our brilliant sponsors Kiwi, the world’s number one classic shoe polish.
Sandra Qwango is prepped and ready to force a large chunk of news-ical information down your ears in about one minute and fifty six seconds time once I have rubbed you down with a healthy dose of ‘From Me to Shoe’ by our Liverpudlian laughter hounds, The Beatles.