For too long the world has been absolutely awash with herbs. Go into a supermarket and there’s half an aisle of little jars of greeny-brown flakes. Nobody has the room to store them all and if you try a new recipe it will inevitably require the purchase of some more which will then sit at the back of a cupboard for the next ten years.

Thankfully salvation is at hand. As part of their wider plans for a “decade of national renewal”, the government have asked me to lead a Herb Taskforce to rationalise the UK herb landscape.

A full report will be published later this year to coincide with the autumn statement, but I’m delighted to announce my preliminary findings here.

• Basil – nice both fresh and dried. Versatile. Keep it.
• Bay Leaf – floats in your food while cooking, then has to be removed because it’s inedible. Tastes of nothing. Banned.
• Bouquet Garni – strange teabag of mystery leaves. Just use some other herbs. Banned.
• Chervil – universally described as “delicate” which means it doesn’t do much. Just use parsley.
• Chicory – very bitter. People put it in coffee which is weird. Use of chicory should be punishable by prison time to stamp this out.
• Chives – these always repeat on me. Get rid of them.
• Coriander – this is nice. Keep it.
• Dill – banned.
• Fenugreek – can’t even pronounce this let alone cook with it. Banned.
• Herbes de Provence – just use some basil and oregano. Nobody will know the difference. If every region of every European country had its own herb mix we’d be knee deep in the damn things and no better off for it. Provence needs to get back in its box. Banned.
• Italian Herb Mix – this is just basil and oregano. Use those. Banned.
• Kaffir Lime Leaf – bay leaves for Asian cooking. Bin it.
• Marjoram – this is a type of oregano. We don’t need to split hairs, there are more important things going on. Just use oregano instead. Banned.
• Mint – yes. Keep.
• Mixed Herbs – this kind of mystery herb mix is a waste of everyone’s time. Use basil and oregano. Any recipe requiring herbs can just use basil and oregano and it’ll be fine. Banned.
• Oregano – yes. Keep.
• Parsley – was hoping to ban this but it would leave restaurants without little sprigs of leaves to make food look nice, so keeping it on that basis.
• Rosemary – I’ve got a good chicken souvlaki recipe that needs rosemary, and it’s nice on roast potatoes. Keep.
• Sage – gets used in stuffing, I suppose, but will be keeping an eye on this.
• Tarragon – no.
• Thyme – no.

The above will become law by the end of this Parliament, so please begin throwing away all your other herbs now to avoid trouble when your cupboards are inspected by the police. Thank you for your attention to this important matter!