Boxing Day feels like a good time to settle this once and for all. What is the Christmassiest song of all time? We are going to find out, using science, and it is going to be exciting.
(NB. If you don’t find detailed statistical analysis exciting you will find the statement above misleading.)
Fifteen songs are going to be analysed for Christmassiness. They have been pre-screened for inclusion in this list. There are other Christmas songs, some of which you may prefer to these, and you may even think other songs would do better. But it’s too late for all that. This is your list of finalists.
- Wham – Last Christmas
- Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas is You
- Slade – Merry Xmas Everybody
- Roy Wood and Wizzard – I Wish It Could be Christmas Every Day
- The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl – Fairytale of New York
- Brenda Lee – Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
- Chuck Berry – Run Run Rudolph
- Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime
- Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas
- Chris Rea – Driving Home for Christmas
- The Darkness – Don’t Let the Bells End
- Shakin’ Stevens – Merry Christmas Everyone
- Michael Bublé – It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
- Dean Martin – Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!
- Andy Williams – It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
What’s that? Your favourite isn’t here? It’s unthinkable to miss out Nat King Cole/Leona Lewis/East 17/Bing Crosby? Too late. This is science. Get over it.
The scoring system is simple. Songs score points for including the following things.
- Sound of bells. Any bells will score a point, as long as you can hear them.
- Mention of bells in lyrics. If the words talk about bells it’s worth another point.
- Namechecks a reindeer. One point for Rudolph, two points for any other reindeer that appears in “The Night Before Christmas”.
- Direct instructions to Santa. A point for any plea or imperative for Father Christmas to say, do, deliver or incite any action.
- Mention of snow. One point for using the word “snow”, two points if accompanied by any other words for icy winter conditions.
- Children’s choir. One point. Adult choirs and backing singers do not count.
- Absent lover returns on Christmas Eve. Any hint of romance rekindled under the mistletoe scores one point.
- Asks for specific gift. Doesn’t matter if it’s aimed at Santa or written on a wish list. If the singer says they want a specific thing it’s worth a point.
- Parents or grandparents. The family’s coming round. If the song mentions elder relatives, one point.
- Description of a party. Any straightforward listing of what people are doing at some sort of Christmas party will do for a final point. You know, the sort of half arsed thing you only get in Christmas songs: “everybody’s dancing and having a drink and uncle Bob is knocking back the egg nog under the mistletoe”.
Now all we have to do is allocate points. Let’s tabulate!
| Song | Sound bells | Mention bells | Reindeer | Santa | Snow | Choir | Lover | Gift | Parents | Party | SCORE |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wham | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | |||||||
| Carey | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 6 | ||||
| Slade | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | |||||||
| Wizzard | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 4 | ||||||
| Pogues | 1 | 1 | 2 | ||||||||
| Lee | 1 | 1 | |||||||||
| Berry | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | |||||||
| McCartney | 1 | 1 | 1 | ||||||||
| Band Aid | 1 | 1 | 2 | ||||||||
| Rea | 1 | 1 | 1 | ||||||||
| Darkness | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | |||||||
| Shakey | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 4 | ||||||
| Bublé | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 4 | ||||||
| Martin | 1 | 1 | 2 | ||||||||
| Williams | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 |
There you have it. Science has given us a clear winner. It’s Mariah, with an unbeatable six Christmas points. Was there ever any doubt? And are you delighted or boiling over with rage? Science doesn’t care, but I do. I implore you to vent your unscientific emotions in the comments.
5 comments on “The Christmassiest song ever”
I did a reply, realised I’d forgotten the rules, went back to read them and deleted my comment.
I am glad that statistical analysis can be used like this. Deep down I think we all knew Mariah was going to win. She found the formula and now exploits it every year without fail. Genius.
Mariah was bound to win. I didn’t even help her out, I just wrote a list of things that happen in Christmas songs and she happened to tick them all off. What a pro.
But did you write a list of things that happen in Christmas songs using her as the prototype? Maybe you subconsciously helped her win. We have been listening to her since the days of the office. She could have brainwashed you.
Who paid for this analysis? It certainly didn’t go through the Beans Science Funding Allocation Oversight Commitee. Did Columbia put you up to this farce?
No, not Columbia. Colombia, the South American country. They bankrolled the whole thing.