User avatarDitching the snifters

As close friends of mine, you’ll know I have been battling a devastating addiction for many years now. A horrible, destructive dependency on snifters, which has alienated my family, cost me my livelihood and brought me to the very brink of financial insolvency.

The good news is that I’m making progress on kicking this disgusting habit. Unfortunately, as every addict knows, weaning yourself off will only take you so far. Sooner or later you have to go cold turkey. But if I try that, I might just never breathe again. I need some other breathing aid to see me over the difficult transition to snifterlessness. I need snifter methodone.

The recommendation I got from a professional medical person was a saline sinus swasher (possibly not its official name, I can’t remember). I gave it a go yesterday. Let me tell you what it’s like.

  • The first thing that happens is you get some warm water in a squeezy bottle, and then you add the sachet of powdery stuff to it and give it a shake. Then you tip your head forward over the sink, plug the bottle up your nose, and give it a squeeze. A steady stream of warm water is shoved up your nosel.
  • The next thing that happens is that the sensation of the water heading up your breathing holes gives you the instinctive feeling that you might be drowning and you panic a bit. Then you swallow, which opens up the tubes between your nose and your ears, and all the warm liquid goes into your ears.
  • You stop squeezing the bottle and have a small coughing fit. The warm watery stuff is coming out of your nose and your mouth and your ears and probably your eyes. You can’t see. Everything is awful.
  • Deciding it can’t be all that bad, you compose yourself, stick the bottle up your other nosel, and have another squirt. The same thing happens, but in the other direction, and this time you resist the urge to swallow. Jets of warm, snotty water ooze from all areas of your face. You feel soiled.
  • Having done all of this you wipe yourself down and wait to see if the new treatment has rendered your nose breathable without resorting to the wicked temptation of the snifters.
  • You spend the next three hours barely able to breathe.

There are 60 sachets of weird powder stuff so I can use this thing several times a day, but so far, I haven’t yet had a second go. Ditching the snifters is going really well.

15 comments to Ditching the snifters

  • Ian

    I have sniffed a poor person’s alternative when I was afflicted with bad nose. You mixed together a solution of salt and bicarbonate of soda into warm water, let it cool down and then start snorting like a trooper.

  • Kev

    Chris, that sounds horrendous. Have you considered trying snifters?

  • Snifters? That’s a brilliant idea! I’m going to give them a go.

  • Ian

    What about if I made my own Snifters and then sold it to you for half the cost of what you normally pay for Snifters, would you be willing to step on board that custard minivan (it’s like a gravy train but not as good)?

  • Depends what you put in them. They’d have to pass my three-step test of sniftability:

    1. Does it clear my nosel pipes?
    2. Is it highly addictive?
    3. Will my street cred be boosted if I’m seen snifting it?

  • Ian

    Having reviewed your questions, I can answer them as follows:

    1. Yes, 100%. The chilli power will have your nose dribbling like an NBA pro.
    2. Yes. Plenty of sherbet and high quality sugar, lots to get obsessed over.
    3. Yes. Only the coolest of cool cats sniff my ‘Nosebusters’.

  • 4. Does the Nosebusters logo look like the Ghostbusters logo, but with a nose in it?

  • Ian

    Indeed, not only that but it’s YOUR nose in it.

    How’d you like them nose apples?

  • Kev

    What if I want some cos they are soooo cool? Do they all have Chris’ nose on?

  • Ian

    His nose is now as famous as my eyes.

    It’s THAT famous.

    If you want in on the Nosebusting action then I can sort out a crate at mate’s rate through the freight. Wait by the gate with a plate of steak and I’ll come down on my break.

  • I like those nose apples. I like them a lot. I’ll take ten buckets of your knock-off snifters. There’s a shiny ten pound ten waiting for you here when you drop off the goods.

  • Ian

    Do you want a layer of teacakes underneath the snifters as a cheeky bonus?

  • Can you not put them on top? They’re very soft, while crates of snifters are very heavy, and what I don’t want are a bumload of snifters that are all covered in goo from squashed teacakes.

  • Ian

    Good point. Right, I can do that.

    A bumload of my snifters is bound to create dents in teacakes. Dents in teacakes? Dents in teacakes.

  • A bumload of anyone’s snifters would do that. Don’t blame yourself, mate.

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