User avatarElection Update 2017

Generally speaking the nation’s major news outlets are a few steps behind the Beans, so you may not yet have heard that a surprising general election has been called. What does this mean for you? Nobody knows. But it’s OK, because I’m here to answer all the big questions you’ll be worrying about.

What is an election?

It is a compound of argon, nitrogen and traces of a number of other elements that is a gas at room temperature and has no known freezing point. In large quantities it has a yellowish colour and smells of wet dog.

Am I eligible to vote?

Yes. I have checked the electoral register. You’re fine.

Who’s standing?

Nominations are still open and the full list of candidates has not yet been compiled. However, if you – like me – live here in Beans Towers then the following people have already announced their candidacy in the constituency of South Beans:

  • Saint King (promising low taxation, improved employment rights and free jewels for everyone)
  • EEFY McJEEFY (in favour of the EU because it, like him, is spelled with capital letters)
  • Mr Cockall (favours a small state, deregulation, and “the nothingness of the howling void at the core of man’s psyche”)
  • Sexatronic (believes in protecting health and social care services; would make it free to have your name changed by deed poll)

If you have any further questions then feel free to post them here so that the Beans Massive can enlighten us all.

12 comments to Election Update 2017

  • Would it be possible to vote by commissioning a small plane to fly my choice over the polling station on one of those long flappy banners?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I would like to nominate Flat Kitty as a candidate. She wasn’t successful in her US presidency campaign so this would totally float her metaphysical boat.

  • You will only be able to vote by the ABW method (Aeronautical Banner Wafting) if you ticked the appropriate box on your voter registration form.

    Flat Kitty can stand as a candidate as long as she can find somewhere to pin a rosette.

  • She has plenty of potential for places to pin… rosettes

  • In that case she’s definitely eligible to… stand.

    What’s in her manifesto?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    She is going to devote a lot of time to… pancakes.

  • Hmm. I’m not convinced. How will that benefit the average hard working itinerant aristocrat like me?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    She will ensure that a steady supply of pancakes is provided to the South-East via the new high-speed rail link, HFKS2.

  • I approve of this. She’s got my vote. I’m going to see how many crosses I can put in the box in the hopes that it will be counted as several votes.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    As she is approximately 1/16 of a human, you will need to put sixteen or more crosses in the box for the vote to count.

  • I’ll aim for a minimum of 32 crosses in that case.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    High five for Mackshall!

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