User avatarWhat I Should Be Doing

When I was a child I was, at first, convinced that when I grew up I was going to work as a space cowboy. It seemed like an ideal life: rounding up space cattle, eating space beans and flying through space on a jet-powered horse called ‘Rosie’. I don’t remember the exact point that life took my dreams and put them through a chundle mixer and told me that was a silly idea but it happened and thus I never got that ranch, those chaps or that hat.

Present day sees me sitting in an office living the giddy life of an office man. I mean I’m not chasing away space thieves trying to steal my space butter yet that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that this is not what I should be doing.

An evening in the company of one Kevindo Menendez opened my eyes to the world that is just beyond reach. They say that you never quite know what you’re good at until you give it a try, which obviously means that deep down I have the required skills and expertise to be a washing machine repair man. I already have the small, girlish hands for those tiny electric whatnots and for squeezing into those hard-to-reach areas. I look good in anything that’s not a shirt and tie. I can drive now so even if someone needs a washing machine repaired in New York (not that New York, the one in Tyne and Wear) I can step up to the challenge.

All I need now is some business cards and I’m up and running. They won’t have a picture of a crab on them but, by the beard of Graham Norton, they will announce to the world my real calling in life!

11 comments to What I Should Be Doing

  • Kevil

    Yes! DEPLOY!

  • Why aren’t there jet-powered horses? I think this might be the main reason horses have fallen behind and are no longer considered a serious form of transport. If they stopped being so traditionalist and got themselves some jets they’d be right on the fashions again.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That’s a very good point. Horses are so passé that I can barely mention them without scoffing.

    I have many different upgrades available that could propel (dad joke) them back into the fashions

  • Keep your upgrades in your back pocket and concentrate on the washing machine biz. It’s good to have a fallback plan but don’t spread yourself too thin. The washing machines are your calling in life. Give them your everything. The horses will manage without you.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I think to begin with I’m going to jazz them up by drawing faces on people’s washing machines and ask them to pay me.

  • Put a tie on them as well. They’ll look as smart as anything.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Superb.

    Have you fixed washing machines before? You seem to have a lot of good ideas. Might you be interested in joining my team if there was a vacancy?

  • I might be. But really my specialism is tumble driers in cummerbunds.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I saw one of those last summer at a wedding. Was that your handiwork, Mr and Mrs Sockadillo, top of Banbury Custard Tower?

  • It was! I’m so pleased you saw one of mine. Theirs had a garland as well. It was one of my proudest creations.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Such a marvel needs to be seen by the common man. I hope that you can draw it and exhibit it on here for everyone to view with their… EYES!

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