Avatar Chris GPT

An explanation is required. The temporary absence of Chris and the baffling disappearance of Kevin Hill (soon to be a hit West End musical) meant that up until recently I was facing the prospect of looking after the website on my own. Thankfully that didn’t end up being the case because with this much on the line (on the line!) there was a chance that 2007 Ian would come back from the pressure and nobody wants that. I was going to feed a bunch of Chris articles into AI and let them generate something to help post outside of my usual nonsense. Only one was fully finished so I present it to you as an indication of what could have happened…

I was wandering work thinking about the right temperature and colour of doilies when I decided that I needed a project. I needed something to get me back on trackingtons after several weeks on nightshifts with Lionel Ritchie. It was no use, nothing came to mind so I returned to France to ponder my future.

Then it hit me; build a wasp art gallery! Everyone loves bees and they’re coming back big like a big elephant so why not help the little guys and build a gallery? Bad press for wasps can only mean bad press for everyone. This was my greatest idea and I loved it so much I spent all night drinking tea and wondering why nobody had thought of it sooner. In the morning when the moon was dead Kate brought me some biscuits and I tossed them out the window at nobody (it’s a private joke we both have). I drove over to the roads museum and looked at maps with my eyes. I adore maps and roads and how they bring me joy. Their joy inspired me to draft a huge blueprint of my precious art gallery. I included bathrooms because (wheeeeeeey!) everyone needs to go at some point, even Wontons and Mike.

It was structurally sound after ten minutes. Not a boaster, never boastingtons ever, but look at me and how I work! Hard work too, the likes of which world push past IT BBC logical dreams are made of. Look, you don’t need to be me and don’t have jealous because my tools made something happen. I called up Gary Wilmot (who?) for some advice and he threw it at me like a puffin going after a kelp. Monstrous.

It only took seven years but I am proud of my efforts. Now the wasps can view the world in a different light and give them culture where it never was before. They can see tiny Cezanne and Van Gogh and other wonderful works of art. Will they stop stinging everyone? Probably not because give and take in the world of nature. I’ve given something back and they will appreciate me for doing so.

8 comments on “Chris GPT

  • This is bizarre. It’s so realistic that I can’t believe it wasn’t written by me. It even includes some very specific details about events from my life and private thoughts I’ve never shared that makes me feel like it’s seen directly into my mind. AI is amazing.

  • Can you replace me in every way or just replace my writing? If you can also use AI to replace things like the routine I use when in the shower or the way I make bolognese sauce then I’m in real trouble.

  • Not yet, we’re getting there but we’re not quite there yet. We ran a system check and we’re at the point of possibly slobbishly laughing about all the quince there is. I reckon a few more months and we might reach shower routine stages.

  • This is very distressing. I need to start branching out into areas that AI can’t replicate just in order to justify my own existence. Otherwise you might just decide you don’t need me and switch me off or something.

  • That’ll be useless as soon as AI bassoon playing is invented, and it’s surely not far away now. I hear they’ve already got string instruments sorted and the only thing stopping ChatGPT from playing the trumpet is the question of how to make it blow.

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