Due to recent security breaches affecting The Beans, a number of extremely important changes have taken place which you need to be aware of. Please read this briefing in full, and if you are uncertain about anything you see here, then please don’t hesitate to read it again but more slowly so you understand it better.
In order to help The Beans respond to this security incident, and all future security incidents, as quickly and efficiently as possible, a new Elite Security Response Taskforce Committee has been formed. Its members – Kev, Chris and Ian – have been chosen for their expertise on cybersecurity matters, their proven 24/7 availability, and the fact that they are the only people involved in The Beans. All security problems are presented to the Elite Security Response Taskforce Committee, who will then respond with a plan of action within eight to ten working weeks.
Already changes are evident. A new method of logging in to The Beans has been established and is now in service.
- Members should navigate to the new super secure login page at security.keep-out.pouringbeans.com/go-away/no-hackers-allowed.html from where they can enter their login details.
- Members should then enter their username and their password when prompted.
- Passwords must contain three uppercase letters; four lowercase letters; a number of numbers between none and twelve, though the numbers themselves must be no lower than eight and no higher than fourteen; three symbols; one emoji (but not the clown face); and a special noise. Users should make the noise into their device’s internal microphone at the appropriate point while typing in their password.
- On entering the correct username and password, the member will then receive a telephone call from an unlisted number in Cuba, and will be given a unique sequence of six digits, masked by the sound of heavy breathing and occasional bouts of coughing.
- The six digits must be split into two groups of three and then multiplied together. The member’s year of birth should then be deducted from that total to produce a one-time code. This should then be sent by text message to a number that will be shown on the screen.
- If the code is correct, an email will be sent to the member containing a unique link. Following the link will open what appears to be the Wilko’s homepage, but clicking on the picture advertising a special offer on broom handles will open a new webpage that will require use of your device’s camera.
- Facial recognition software will then scan the member’s viso/volto and compare it to images of the member in the photos section of The Beans.
- If the v/v is considered acceptable, the member will be granted access to The Beans and will have three minutes to write a new post or otherwise carry out activities in the admin interface before being automatically logged out.
The danger presented to The Beans by hackers, cybercriminals, cyberbullies and incompetence remains extremely high. The Pouring Beans Elite Security Response Taskforce Committee thanks you for your understanding as we continue to work for a more secure future, today and tomorrow, for our children, and our children’s children. Although at this stage neither our children nor our children’s children will be allowed to access the website for security reasons. Thank you.
10 comments on “Security message”
It’s so simple I’m surprised we didn’t start doing this earlier given the worldwide Beans-mania we’re experiencing at the moment. Everyone wants a slice of us.
This is possibly the most secure system ever devised by man. The only downside is that Ian will forget his password every week and will need to use the reset process. As we all know it can be difficult to get hold of a carrier pigeon at short notice these days, so he might find himself locked out for days at a time.
Ah… oh. He’s right you know.
One possible solution is to buy carrier pigeons in bulk and put them in the freezer. You can then just defrost one in the microwave when you need one.
That’s an excellent idea. I’ve put in on my ‘to do’ list along with the bacon washing line and the slug fence.
Don’t forget my egg scrambler. It’s very competitively priced and we guarantee that you won’t be able to clean all the egg off it.
Do you have some kind of egg cleaning device to do with the egg scrambler and then some kind of egg marking device so I can write my name on the eggs I plan to scramble?
What I’m asking is do you do some kind of gift set?
All of these are good ideas, which I will now patent before you can claim the credit for them.
Whatever it takes to get me my gift set. I’d like one with some crilly hankies and my name embroidered on the top.
Yeah, sure. Leave your name and bank account details with reception and we’ll call you when it’s ready.