It’s been floated around for some time now and there’s been an awful lot of confusion as to what happens. You know what I’m referring to; that urban myth that has been haunting this website for as long as I or anyone else can remember. Legend says that if Chris Marshall watches a film, any movie whether short, black and white, foreign or animated, he will explode.
You may laugh at such a premise but it is true. A genuine medical condition that only affects one in twenty million, ‘Brewster Explodius’ came to light during the middle of the twentieth century. The first recorded case was a Clarice Mucklesniff, a 26 year old waitress from North Dakota. She was going to the movies with her boyfriend and less than five minutes into the opening credits she exploded. Her bits were catapulted across the theatre, landing mostly in the aisles bar her arms which landed in the lap of an elderly couple towards the front. Since then there have been multiple cases all over the world of this unfortunate illness.
So we move to our current case, Christopher “Christopheles” “Sausage and Cheese Isosceles” Jimmy Jam-Jam Marshall. Poor Chris has been living with this for most of his life. It was lucky that a friend of the family, who is au fait with these kinds of medical conditions, was able to diagnose him before the worst could happen. In order for us to understand more, we need a hypothetical situation:
A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION:
Chris has had a hard day at work. He’s taken off his feather boa and decides to relax on the sofa before making some food. As he picks up the remote to browse some channels, the TV opens on that bit in ‘Cocoon’ where the old people get in the pool with the aliens and have a pool party.
- His eyes witness the film on the screen. The retinal pools record the information and turns it into some weird shapes and colours, possibly resembling cats. This makes it easier to send it up the pipe shaft.
- The information travels up the pipe shaft, past the nosal tubes, towards the front part of the brain, more commonly known as the Gluco-chaffinch. Here it is split into several nixtoglands and sent to the seven corners of the human mind.
- For a normal person this would be fine; the nixtoglands would reach their destination and everyone would feel great. Several people would do backflips. For Chris though this is the beginning of the end. When the seven corners are activated it causes the multo peak in the glorbo cells to light up.
- Now it is only a matter of time. The blood pumps up into his face muscles which only accelerates the process. The glorbo cells chat to the peanuke rittles causing a chain reaction between the two, meaning a complex chemical implosion that reverses around the maypole and turns back into an explosion.
- It goes off. His head catapults to the ceiling. His noses fires off into the kitchen. The eyes don’t make it that far and the ears flop to the floor. The body doesn’t move from the position, it’s still enjoying the film.
I don’t need to tell you that this cannot happen, ever, mainly for my sake because then it’ll mean I’ll be down one friend and will need to hold auditions for a new one to fill the position. Do you know how long that’ll take? Far too long. Please keep my friend safe and never show him any films.
17 comments on “The More You Know – The Chris Explosion”
I’m stunned. I have learn so much! This is the most scientific thing I’ve seen since Kevin Hill, Science Master, showed me his special science cupboard.
… is that some kind of disgusting euphemism? Should I call someone?
Eww. No. Absolutely not. It’s a cupboard where Kevin Hill, Science Master, keeps his science things. He lent his laboratory to Smidge Manly for that series he did about science so you can see his cupboard in the background here.
Phew, that’s a relief. After all his various alterations and extensions carried out to his now county-stretching mansion, who knows what kind of sordid cupboards, attics, cellars and other weird things lurk within.
That’s science for you! I doubt even Kev knows what’s in all of his cupboards. Rumour has it there’s several nomadic tribes, untouched by Western society and culture, who live somewhere in his furthest and least visited bedrooms. Heaven only knows what they keep in the wardrobes.
This is beginning to sound more and more like ‘The House of Leaves’ which scares me more than anything else.
I don’t know what that is, but I do know that most of the Amazon rainforest was felled to provide Kev’s skirting boards.
Them skirting boards were ‘ooge, the size of motorways they were. He once asked me to paint the skirting board in his living room and sensibly I turned him down, which worked out best because it took a team of 20 men 800 hours to finish.
I have a question. Do the seven corners of the human mind all have names?
Yes they do. They were named after the seven elephants of the stars, those who flew without fear and dumped out the universe at the beginning of time.
Ah, right. If I remember correctly, the seven elephants of the stars were named Cahedral, Possibilify, Exclunive, Interpaediate, Paramotor, Jurisbiction and Pie.
That’s the one. They’re the ones. You’ve got it.
An old McIver family saying, for there were many, was, “You got it you got it you got it, WOAH!”
How is the WOAH being said? Is it like in a Mariah Carey song, or is it more like you’re trying to stop a horse?
Definitely trying to stop or horse or doing an impression of Cher.
You know, “I’m Cher, gonna sing me a song, WOAH!”
That’s a powerful old McIver family saying. I am bedazzled by the power of it.
Thanks. I could possibly write a pamphlet regarding all the phrases and sayings were stole or made up. Another one which I managed to integrate into my “annoying everyone” spiel was, “You had your chance, you missed it!”
I like that one. A bit of needless crowing never goes amiss.