User avatarThings not to do

In the last 24 hours I have learned a lot. Here are some things you should not do.

  1. When making a very short journey of just a few minutes in your car, don’t empty your pockets in the normal way, placing your wallet, phone and keys into the space below the radio. You might forget them when you get out.
  2. Don’t time your journey to arrive at your destination – for example, a garage where you’re leaving it overnight because it’s booked in for some work in the morning – eight minutes before they close.
  3. In your rush to get through the door and hand them your car key, don’t forget to take everything you need. For example, when you’ve picked up your wallet and phone and put them back in your pockets, don’t forget to have a look and see if your house keys are still in the car before you get out and lock it.
  4. Don’t wait until you’ve made a 25 minute journey home (including some walking, some waiting for the bus and some sitting on the bus) before looking for your house keys. If you wait that long you will only realise you haven’t got them when you’re standing outside the building where you live and you’re unable to get into it.
  5. Don’t make a 25 minute journey back to a now-closed garage (for example, it’s just an example) because when you get there you will find that your car has been helpfully moved by one of their staff inside a gated and locked compound, and is now tantalisingly visible but completely inaccessible behind an eight foot metal gate with spikes on. If you happened to leave, I don’t know, your house keys in it, you will not be able to get them.
  6. If you decide to ignore this advice, and you are welcome to do that if you want, then at least heed this warning: don’t do all the things above on the one night in several months when your flatmate is three hours away seeing his family and there is nobody at home who can let you in.

If there are any more things you should not do, please rest assured I will end up inadvertently doing them at some point, and I will come back and let you know about them so you don’t have to do them yourself.

Thanks.

30 comments to Things not to do

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I like this. This would make an excellent story. If this actually happened to me I would lose my shit big time.

  • I’m going to add another one to the list. When you’re standing outside your flat realising you haven’t got your house keys on you, don’t spend the next 25 minutes travelling back to the garage without first calling them. If you call them there will still be someone there, but they will have gone home by the time you actually get there in person. Unfortunately, calling them before setting off back to the bus stop is not, apparently, something that will seem quite so obvious when you’re actually in that situation.

  • Did you have to pop down to your local soup kitchen or did you just sleep in the hallway?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    He has a giant tin of beans that he drives around in. I think it’s his second car; he must have slept in there.

  • Yeah, I think that’s what I did. Luckily it’s a very big tin of beans and the thick, syrupy tomato sauce is an excellent insulator against the cold.

  • When you sleep in it does it feel as though you’re snoozing in soup?
    If so, what kind of soup?
    Could I be in a band called ‘Snoozing in Soup’?

  • No.
    N/A.
    Yes. I see them doing mellow, trip-hop covers of Cheeky Chaffinch numbers.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I was almost in a band called Baffled by Seagulls. Each concert would have us releasing seagulls on the crowd, who were previously covered in breadcrumbs and old chip shop chips. It was almost a winner.

  • I like the idea of dropping old chips on a concert crowd instead of confetti. They’d be heavy and cold and make everyone a bit greasy. A sudden attack by a large number of confused seagulls would finish that off perfectly.

  • Would you say that I have my finger right on the fashions? Seagull fashions?

  • The greasy seagull fashions are what you are all about there my friend. Would the seagulls be asking complex questions as they dive bomb you to further add to the bafflement?

  • “Greasy Seagull Fashions” is going to be the name of my middle-of-the-road clothing franchise in Debenhams from summer this year, selling stonewashed jeans, t-shirts with safe, unoffensive slogans and comfy sweatshirts that would be ideal for your dad’s birthday.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I would welcome any questions, seagull-based or from the seagulls direct.

    Your clothing line sounds just up my street. Will it be just up my street, or possibly next to the corner shop on my street?

  • It’ll be in the large outlet department store in the retail park nearest to your street. All the jeans will be “comfort fit”.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I don’t like comfort fit. Could you make me some ‘uncomfortable shits’ instead?

  • Will the jeans have one of those big leather labels on the back that double up as an impractical belt loop, a-la the 90s?

  • No. All “Greasy Seagull Fashions” jeans are “comfort fit”. That just means they have an elasticated waistband and are designed for middle-aged men to pretend they’re not as fat as they really are. All of them will have a big leather label on the ass that your belt goes through. The T-shirts are all actually polo shirts.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Label on the ass. On the ass.

    I think I read all of your comment but I’m focusing on the ass. And something about polo mints?

  • Yes. Polo mints is a big part of what I’m talking about. They’re very 90s.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Thanks. I knew I was right on the fashions once again. Polos just aren’t as popular anymore.

  • They aren’t, are they? I remember “polo holes” too. That makes me pretty old.

  • Do you also remember Calippo Shots? They were (are?) a hat full of gash.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Polo holes can’t make you old.

    I do not remember Calippo shots although they sound pretty flaccid. Did they sell them in Jack Fultons?

  • I remember Calippo shots. Your description of them made me laugh out loud, which caused me some difficulty as I then had to explain to the rest of my family what I was laughing at.

  • Actual LOL. I hope you used the phrase verbatim.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    You can’t use the word ‘gash’ around your family. They’d spill their cups of tea on the doilies!

  • I did not. I was circumspect.

  • Kevil

    Circumcised?

  • I may be. You can’t tell because I am discreetly draped in doilies.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Welcome to the most unappealing image of 2018 (so far).

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