News just in! Reports are claiming that, after the Chris Marshall / Mecha Godzilla collaboration in August, a new concoction has been sighted in an industrial estate in the South of England.
Some bright spark decided that it was time to splice the Chris DNA with children’s 80s stop motion animated favourite Bertha, resulting in a sight that will either warm your heart or frighten you to within an inch of your life.
The Chris Bertha (or the awkwardly-named Chrertha) was spotted churning out items earlier on this week. The types of items varied greatly from garden gnomes and beach balls to jumping kangaroos and inflatable plastic bears. Once the Chris DNA had properly taken over however it decided to make a hugely illustrated and highly detailed map of the A282 as well as some interesting recipes involving avocados.
“This is the worst news I’ve ever heard,” spat news correspondent Harsh Blenchley, “you don’t see it? You don’t see the monumental disaster on the horizon? Do I need to spell it out to you? Do you even English, my friend?”
After ten minutes of this, she finally explained herself.
“Everyone knows that Bertha is capable of manufacturing anything in the world. She was the original 3D printer. A complete original. That kind of power mixed with the monstrous C-Marshall DNA could easily be used to disastrous effect. If you installed a time machine and a matter transporter into Bertha then she’d be able to go anywhere, at any point in time and make anything she wanted. The world would be on its knees.”
Ms Blenchley could see the big picture even if the rest of us couldn’t.
After the information was reported to the local police, a raid was planned on Tuesday morning. Officers burst into the premises only to find a few empty boxes and a windmill money box.
There were rumours that the C-Marshall strain of DNA was being used in some unscrupulous experiments in Korea and China, although they have remained unsubstantiated until now.
Needless to say, if the Chris Bertha has been moved to a new site, and a time machine and matter transporter been added to it, then we’re all doomed. Stay tuned for more details.
8 comments on “Newsboost – Chris catastrophe continues”
You say “catastrophe”, I say “masterplan”. You’re only against it because you wish you’d had the idea yourself.
My face does not belong on a children’s TV character. It belongs on my face.
In many ways, that’s the difference between your face and my face.
Are you calling your face a whore? Do you have a whore face? Should it be everywhere?
No, he has a child-freindly face, and you… might.
Is there a big market for highly detailed maps of british A-roads produced by a spliced up kids TV favourite?
There’s only one way to find out! Ian’s publisher has promised to distribute them because they’re not too fussy about quality.
Rather than laminate the maps they rub egg whites into the paper for the same effect. It produces varying degrees of “success”. Saves a fuck ton in production costs though.
It also makes them very protein rich, which makes you feel fuller for longer than a normal map would.