Author: Chris5156

Avatar Four Word Reviews: Classic Bruce Willis

Here in the Four Word Reviews auditorium, we are used to closing our eyes and listening, carefully and attentively, to two kinds of music. One is the album made in earnest that is unwittingly terrible. The other is the novelty album of knowingly substandard tunes. And then, every now and then, we get something else. Something that isn’t a novelty record, but perhaps isn’t a serious artist making a serious and earnest expression of their art either. Today we’re here to listen to one of those albums. Today we’re listening to “Classic Bruce Willis” by Bruce Willis.

I don’t know what this is.

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Avatar Life hack

Do you sometimes forget things? Do you need to be reminded of them? Do you travel around a lot? Do you need a way of travelling that doesn’t risk leaving your reminders behind?

Here’s a brilliant tip to solve all your problems at once. No more arriving at the supermarket and finding you’ve left your shopping list at home. Your shopping list will come with you if you just turn your car into a blackboard.

I mean, obviously this guy’s just got his mates to draw all over it, and that’s an option too. So that’s three things. Reminders, driving, and doodling with chalk. Three things all in one. You’re welcome.

Avatar County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

  • Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
  • Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Avatar Cabinet saga, part 2

Back in May I offered a tantalising glimpse of my next DIY project, which were a set of custom-made alcove shelves. In the two and a half months that have passed since then, you have probably thought about little else.

It’s not yet time to show you the final result – not when I can wring another post out of this story – but it is time to update you on scribing, a new skill I had to acquire as part of this project that would let me cut pieces very precisely to fit the contours of my old house’s wobbly walls.

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Avatar 79 days

Let me show you this.

This is the end screen from a silly online Tetris-type game I play. It’s a daily game where you get one go at it and you either win or lose, and then that’s it for the next 24 hours. I’ve been playing it in idle moments for ages now.

Last year I got a win streak of 80 days before I got distracted and missed a day. Then I kept trying to get my numbers back up, trying to hit that 80 day streak and beat it, and kept failing.

On Friday 9 May this year I got sent back to the start again, and thought it was time I got serious about it. I set a daily reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget. Thanks to my reminder, every day since then I’ve remembered to play it, and I got closer and closer to beating that magic 80 day streak.

On Sunday night I was having trouble with a website on my phone so I went into the settings and cleared my browser cache. It deleted my browsing history and my cookies.

On Monday morning I went to play my silly online Tetris game, and when I finished, I got the screen you see above.

Monday 28 July would have been day 80. But I’d deleted my cookies. That meant it was day 1.

I’ll get you, 80 day streak. I’ll see you on Wednesday 15 October. It’s a date.

Avatar Open source Chris

Here I am with a microscope. But what can I see?

I’d just taken a swab from my cheek and under the ‘scope was a sample of my own facial cells (or “facells”, as biologists call them). And once I’d managed to zoom in enough, I saw this.

It’s my DNA.

There it is in all its glory, all those chains of genetic information that make me so brilliantly unique. And now that I’ve put it online, it’s open source, free for anyone else to come along and use it, remix it and build on it. Feel free to take a screenshot and use it for your own biological experiments.

I’m hopeful that this is the beginning of an amazing new age where there are millions of clones of me running around everywhere. A world of genetically engineered Chrises wherever you look.

What will you do with my DNA? Let me know in the comments.

Avatar Puffins?

It feels like Puffins? Day 2025 is the right time for a quick roundup of all the puffin-related films on offer. Until a few years ago there was no puffin-based cinema at all, but the silver screen now has several offerings for you to choose from.

Released in 2023, and starring Chris O’Dowd from off of Bridesmaids and the IT Crowd, Puffin Rock and the New Friends deals with the unexpected disappearance of a Little Egg and the adventures of Oona (a puffin) and her friends (also puffins) as they try to save it before Puffin Rock is hit by a Big Storm.

The Guardian called it a “wholesome delight”, but only gave it three stars.

2024’s Robo Puffin (styled Rise of the Robo Puffin in some territories) appears to be an Italian movie. In it, evil bad buy Otto van Walrus (a walrus) creates the mischievous Robo Puffin (a robot puffin) to outshine the real puffins, in a plot that appears to have no meaningful jeopardy whatsoever. Johnny Puff (a puffin) and his friends (also puffins) use the power of teamwork to outoutshine the puffin-outshining robot.

If you’re sad that Robo Puffin is available only in Italian, don’t worry: while the feature film is available only in the language of amore, it appears to be a rehashing of this 2020 TV series called Puffins which, amazingly, stars Johnny Depp as Johnny Puff (a puffin). Otto van Walrus (a walrus) is here too, up to no good as usual, though this time Puff and his friends (also puffins) are apparently working for him and not in any sort of robotic outshining contest.

A second series, Puffin Impossible, recasts its central characters as superheroes. If you want to see puffins in capes, this is the one for you.