User avatarDear Beans… Crimson Colour Catastrophe

Dear Beans,

It has recently been brought to my attention that the world is not black and white anymore. It is a vibrant, colourful, smorgasbord of everything. I say everything because there are a lot of things now. I do miss the days when there were less things although I am quite happy talking to the small black disc in the corner of the room, especially when she plays me Captain and Tenille songs.

What disappoints me though is that there are no new colours. I want someone to come on the television and announce to the world, “Hey people! If you mix this and that you get a brand new shade! I’m calling it quotium brown!” I would prefer brighter colours though. There must be a new red or orange that somebody can rustle up like cookies from the cooker. We can’t have all the colours now that we’re only ever going to have. Forever. Forever and ever. People get so bored these days that they need new and stimulating things in order to keep them from going mad.

Do you think they are holding back on us? Are there scientists lurking within mountains, swirling ominous solutions in test tubes in the hope of squeezing out a new green?

If not, is there any chance one of you could invent a new colour and send it to me in the post?

Yours faithfully

Portia Cummerbund-Beige

25 comments to Dear Beans… Crimson Colour Catastrophe

  • At school, Al was insistent that he’d invented a new colour, which he called “phylisinia”. But as no paint or felt tips or colouring pencils had ever been created in that colour, he couldn’t show anyone. It existed only in his mind.

  • A mind colour, eh? That could work. Did he say what colour it was closest to in the traditional spectrum? I imagine it as a purply grey shade.

  • I think he said it was a combination of purple and green, so you’re close. Unless I’m misremembering it, in which case it’s unclear how close you are.

  • No, I think we can all agree that I was right first time. First try. Go me. You remembered WELL.

  • (Remembering is fun)

  • Dear Ms Cummerbund-Beige,

    New colours are invented all the time, however as everything is worth something these days, scientists insist on patenting everything before they release it to the hoi polli. The issue is that patent notices must be submitted in black and white, this causes significant delays as the scientist in question then has to describe in words exactly the new shade without anyone being able to see it. This takes significant time and the earlier patents from the 1970’s are only just starting to trickle through the system.

    Imagine the world of colours that we’ll have access to in another 40-50 years when the patent system has dealt with the backlog.

    Kevin Hill
    Science Master.

  • Phew, thank goodness for Kevin Hill, Science Master. There was no way I was going to be able to respond to this letter with proper words that other people can understand.

  • Thank god someone has turned up who can answer this question with some real gravitas. I was floundering. FLOUNDERING.

  • He only responds every eighteen months but, by Jove, he does it with such gravitas it’s hard to argue.

    Also, it’s hard to argue.

  • It is hard to argue, isn’t it? Last time I went to see my GP, I asked if they had any advice, and they said I shouldn’t argue with a Science Master. It was good advice.

  • Never argue with a Science Master. Unless of course you have an opposing viewpoint which has been thoroughly researched, triple checked, peer reviewed and published in New Scientist.

  • I don’t.

    Have you, Kevin Hill, Science Master, ever said or thought anything that hadn’t been thoroughly researched, triple checked, peer reviewed and published in New Scientist?

  • Never. I’m very thorough in my utterances. Rigorous even.

  • That is why I admire you, to the extent that I admire you at all.

  • Someone once doubted Kevin Hill, Science Master’s credentials so I had to take him out and cracked a knuckle nut on his volto holes. He won’t be forgetting THAT anytime soon.

  • Bam! Right in the viso voids!

  • Them voids hurt for several weeks after. I kept checking in on the guy at work and making sure to “top up the pain” when he was still in doubt. The swine!

  • That’s the spirit. The Science Master must be defended at all costs. Science depends upon it.

    (Except in the other thread where we’re busy selling him out to the police in the hope of seeing him banged up for nicking a cake.)

  • (You cannot compare one thread to another, at least not in this sense. Normally all we’re doing it slagging him off for not doing this or not. Let’s keep bigging this sucker up)

    Yeah. Hitting the ol’ dusty science trail.

  • The science master appreciates all that you do to uphold the values of vigorous science.

    (KH-SM would like it to be known that no cake was stolen intentionally, and any cake that was may have been stolen, was may have, in fact, been taken by Ian.)

  • I for one would like to see Kevin Hill, Science Master exonerate himself from this heinous crime by scientifically proving he didn’t thieve, burgle and extort the cake in question himself. Surely there’s something forensic he can do with chemicals.

  • Maybe something involving a pulley system?

  • He can’t. We ate all of the evidence cake.

  • As if that would stop a Science Master. Ha! I bet the Science Master scoffs at such feeble excuses.

  • The Science Master scoffs whatever is put in front of him, which is mainly cake and biscuits.

    If there’s any room left then, of course, he starts on the feeble excuses.

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