User avatarNew Scientific Breakthrough

It has been a while since I delved into the wonderful world of writing and, following the celebration of my work by Chris last year in his wonderful post, I thought it was only right that I set about on a new project. The fans have been very patient so prior to the announcement through the mailing list I decided to officially let everyone know what I have been working on through the winter months.

Science; such a curious enigma, so many unanswered questions. It litters the streets with everything yet gives nothing back unless you’re willing to throw your legs in. If you breathe, you’re breathing science. If you sit on a bench, that’s science. Have you eaten a sandwich recently? That’s you tasting science. Whatever you’re wearing today that’s a big ole’ pile of science right there. I have personally stared into the eyes of science and feel as though I am now qualified to explain a small piece of the pie to those less fortunate.

Human beings? More like human doings and human goings. They may want you to believe that you are experiencing a wide range of emotions, they you are actually feeling more than really are. When you really take the time to review what it is to be a human you can pretty much allocate everything into two distinct categories:

(a) Confused
(b) Aroused

If you’re reading this you must be a human (or a dog with human eyes) so you know what I mean. All those times you felt “sad” or “hungry” it wasn’t that at all, someone put those words in your mouth. Let’s run through a few examples to explain the point:

Scenario 1

My hamster ran away, joined the circus and is now sending me hate mail in the post because I didn’t change his water as frequently as he wanted. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Confused. You don’t know why your pet of three weeks has unleashed a hell of correspondence upon you. You may feel tears coming down your cheek but really it’s confusion.

Scenario 2

I am beside myself with “hunger”. I did not have any breakfast this morning and due to a heavy workload I will not be able to get out for a proper lunch. I guess I will have to settle for whatever meagre rations I have blurge from the vending machines. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused. All food is sex. You’re craving sex. That pang that you feel in your belly is nothing to do with wanting a Boots meal deal, you need the sensual touch of a woman / man / non-binary whatchamacallit.

Scenario 3

Black Lace have reformed, it is the original line-up and they are touring the country. It has been (I don’t know) thirty years since they last did so and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. You can feel the excitement, the rush and the stress of needing to be online exactly at 9:00am for those once-in-a-lifetime tickets. How am I feeling?

ANSWER – Aroused (and probably a little confused). Excitement is joy, joy is pleasure, pleasure is sex. You’re like a bear rubbing itself up against a tree. Why are you getting aroused at the thought of seeing Black Lace live? That’s why you’re also confused.

Light is green, trap is clean. I hope you can all appreciate the amount of effort that I have put into this scientific development; it has taken almost three days to put my findings into works that you non-sciencers would understand. You’re welcome, by the way.

I expect to finish my book in the summer, to be printed (and not set on fire) in autumn.

4 comments to New Scientific Breakthrough

  • Nothing about this post aroused me. Am I confused?

  • Ian

    Yes, of course you are. You must be one or the other, and because you’re not aroused it makes sense that you must be confused.

    There there.

  • Well, now I’m deeply aroused, but on the bright side, that presumably means I’m no longer confused.

    Have I been confused at all times in my life that I wasn’t aroused?

  • Ian

    Science would suggest so. You need to remember that it’s okay to be aroused, it’s fine to tip the cap of arousal because that means you aren’t confused anymore. You get me?

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

Optionally add an image (JPG/JPEG only)