The Beans Home Shopping Network is delighted to announce a summer sale featuring MASSIVE REDUCTIONS on our innovative Non-Holiday Packages.

Introduced in 2020, when it became clear that nobody would be going on holiday ever again, our Non-Holiday Packages have been figuratively flying off the entirely metaphorical shelves. Read on to find out how it works.

Do you miss being able to humblebrag to your friends about where you’ve been on holiday? Do you long to see your social media profiles crammed with enviable pictures of beautiful beaches and deliciously exotic food? Do you yearn for the days when you could skip the small talk with friends and go straight to the three-hour monologue about your last trip away accompanied by an interminable slideshow of photographs on your phone?

Well, do we have the product for you. Just pick one of our Non-Holiday Packages and receive a full camera reel of 500-800 photographs and videos of an incredible holiday you never had. The price includes photoshopping you into five of the photos in the form of badly-taken selfies. For an additional fee we can add you or your friends, family, partner or bit on the side to as many other pictures as you like.

Once the photos arrive, you can start blasting them into the social media stratosphere like a confetti cannon of manufactured envy, bragging to the world about a holiday you didn’t go on because you’re stuck here with the rest of us in an unending nightmare.

Choose one of the following amazing destinations, or visit the Beans Home Shopping Network website to browse the full range:

Were you in Thailiand or maybe the Caribbean? Was it the sun-kissed shores of the Canaries or are those diving pictures from the Great Barrier Reef? Who cares – all anyone will know is that your Non-Holiday was spent on sparkling white beaches with lapping waves from the deep blue sea and palm trees all around.
Was £895, now just £495

With pictures of the cathedral you visited, the brewery tour, the ride on the open-top bus, the pigeons in the square and the food after dark, this package can be customised with either extra museums (featuring Roman ruins, Rennaisance art and an impenetrable modern sculpture park) or banging nightlife (featuring bars, clubbing and vomiting on picturesque cobbles).
Was £595, now just £395

Showcasing the range of classic cars you didn’t rent, open-top rides through the desert, sensational hotels and roadside diners, the Epic Roadtrip is the journey of a lifetime that you never lived. Specify at checkout whether you want to be seen driving on the left or right depending on where you want to pretend you went.
Was £995, now just £595

You might have been in Whistler, Colorado or you might have been on the slopes of Mont Blanc – we don’t care, so tell people whatever you like. Bristling with photos of every possible winter sport, from skiing to snowboarding to whatever else there is, this set even comes with pictures of your heroically broken leg and a free fake plaster cast to wear when you tell the tale.
Was £1295, now just £995