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Reviews are very useful when deciding if the thing that you think that you want is actually the thing that you want. Human beings are idiots, we want everything. See that patch of grass? You want that. I want it too. Let’s have a fight about it to decide who gets to have it. Whilst we’re fighting, someone comes along and takes it. They measure up the merits of the patch and review it on grasspatches.com. I read the review over your shoulder, holding a bag of frozen peas on my black eye and decide perhaps that wasn’t the right grass patch for me.

Everything gets reviewed these days from people and services to goods and refreshments. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a one star review of me somewhere with the words “could have done better but I did like his soft hair” painted around a picture of myself looking confused.

Some days I’m very interested in reading reviews and researching before deciding to purchase and other days I’m straight in there, balls deep, putting my card details straight away like a mega boss. I’m buying games and films, I’m not purchasing helicopters and hovercrafts like Kev. Those you have to take your time with because you don’t want to end up with a hovercraft that doesn’t hover or a helicopter that smells of wee.

This review made me laugh so much I had to take a screenshot and keep it for posterity. It’s for a Nintendo Wii U game called ‘Game and Wario’, a collection of strange and funny minigames that nobody really bought (because it was on a bobbins console) so now it’s commands a tall price. I’m not sure what the person thought they were doing but it was approved by the website and not only have three people confirmed it as ‘helpful’ but it’s also top of the list of ‘most relevant’ in the ten reviews the game has.

Further proof that the human race has completely lost the plot.

6 comments on “Strong words

  • Fronks?

    I had to look this up because I’m neither down with the kids nor well versed in Nintendo jargon. Urban Dictionary says it means someone who is addicted to YouTube. and gets angered easily. Presumably that’s what this game is about.

  • Seems about right to me. A load of angry Youtube fans tugging and tumbling and swooshing around in the undergrowth for trifle. Bloody Nintendo.

  • You’re right. Delicious bejewelled trifle. I want more of it. I’m a Zeldey now. A Zeldoid. A Zelderer. What do you call Zelda fans? I’m that.

  • You are so the biggest Zeldoid I know. You put me to shame, sir. I expect you made a proper Zelda trifle for the Queen’s Jubilee Marathon Biscuits (whatever it was called) and ate it all yourself.

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