So now that we’ve hit the big cheese January shake-up, who is clamming for their next head-dunk into the world of greatness? As I am still assuming the role of Sherpa for you ingrates let me rustle up a steaming batch of hot sauce to keep you in the good books:
- Fashion – light up your eye bulbs with this. So everyone thinks that lemonade sink holes are worth pursuing? Yeah, like a dog with cramp. Ditch that has-been and opt for Serlo Pumps, the best kind of shoes straight from Bulgaria. They’re sorted, they’re sassy and they’re climbing up your drainpipe for a little sweetness. Don’t close the window yet. If you’re ever gonna out-do Amelia Jossdon, with her pencil skirt and jam sandwiches, you need to plump up for pointed jodhpurs. That will make everyone scream like Mr Sheen.
- TV – can you believe that they made eight seasons of Desperate Housewives? I gave up many, many moons ago yet for some reason and haven’t been back since. I expect it was because the smug voice-over put me into a coma every time an episode started. Russian export ‘Boots to the Roots’ is the latest new thing where famous people trace their family history, find distant relatives they’ve never met then turn up and kick the merry shit out of them. Australian docu-drama ‘Wazzock Paddock’ is also turning up the heat on both sides of the world. In it, a select group of idiots are kidnapped and thrown into a large paddock where they are asked questions to try and change their sexist / racist / misogynistic views, and if they don’t an angry kangaroo is lowered in.
- Art – can beans be an art? Yes, they can. In honour of the wonderful food and snack Barry Wombfoot has enlisted the help of 100 people to create a massive hill of beans at the bottom of Ben Nevis in Scotland. Once it has been erected, Barry will use brown sauce to draw a picture of Phillip Schofield 200ft in the air whilst being suspended from a helicopter. To slightly more mundane activities where young artist Lilo Peel has knocked down her parent’s home in Dagenham, Essex and will build a new house entirely out of office supplies she has been stealing for the last two years from her place of work. The piece will be called ‘Self Eviction’ and has been both condoned by the Local Council and lauded by industrial showbiz wonderbot, Gary Wilmot.
- Film – it’s a bit slow this time of year what with everyone gearing up for the awards season. That still hasn’t stopped the previously banned trilogy of films by Winky Bowson from sneaking into select cinemas in London. ‘Chop Chop’, ‘Chop Again’ and ‘Chop Chop Away’ have received the remastered treatment and for the cost of one sandwich in London (£365.17) you can catch all three in a special midnight screening in Camden Town. I won’t tell you why they were banned but let’s just say that you can’t do sit-ups that way anymore, times have changed and you shouldn’t use banana yoghurt in that capacity.
So there you go. You can waltz off into the night, safe in the knowledge that your level of cool is still off the chart. I’m running down to Doncaster for a nice sherry.
20 comments on “What’s New and what’s Shrew – Mackers”
I think your post just turned my brain into a kind of pre-historic soup. Is that shrew?
I had to stop halfway through this to have a little rest and something to eat. There’s a lot to take in here.
The main thing I’ve learned is that Ian likes sherry.
I am all about the sherry. It helps fuel my drug-induced lifestyle popularity Beans posts. I drank a full bottle before writing this.
It shows. I mean, “drug-induced lifestyle popularity Beans posts”? I just can’t parse that madcap sherry-fuelled syntax.
I’m all about the syntax. I’ve got such a sick line of syntax that nobody can stop me, it’s overflowing and they don’t know where I’m going.
Hit me with a sherry in my viso/volto!
No. No more sherry for you. At least not until you’ve learned what syntax means and you’re no longer trying to use it in a rap battle.
Are you questioning my ability to recognise what a word means?
How dware you. Next yule bee tearing chunks out of my speeling.
I think my main issue is your attempt at a rap battle. I’m not getting involved in that. I choose to remain aloof.
If there’s a rap battle going on then there’s a rap battle going on (what?) and we’re both part of it.
If there’s a rap battle going on then there’s a rap battle going on (what?) and I am leaving by the nearest exit.
Right. I’ll see you in the rap battle ring then (what?) I’ll bring my thesaurus.
You can share it if you like.
The only thing I’m sharing right now is the information that I left by the nearest exit a while ago, and am now on the top deck of the 163 heading away from you at approximately 25 miles per hour.
Look at you with your big shoes and your fancy double decker bus, and your trip to Leeds to see the family and possibly friends too.
Did you have a nice time?
Yes, thanks. It resulted in me being a participant in zero rap battles, which is the right number.
How did your rap battle go?
Oh, it’s about go down like Donkey Town that’s for sure (I think that’s the expression).
I don’t think “it’s about go down” is the right expression for anything, but good luck in your rap scrap.
Don’t you dare question my grammar again. Look what happened the first time.
Nothing. Exactly. Jog on, little bulldog clip.
What did happen the first time? I looked but the first time has already happened so there wasn’t anything there, except a sad drawing of a dog that someone did in chalk on the pavement near where it happened.
You told me I didn’t know what sin-tax was and then I opened up a metaphorical can of “whup-ass” on you.
Then we had a rap battle.