User avatarWeather forecast

It’s another scorcher of a day out there, and the hot weather shows no sign of ending.

To find out what’s in store for the next week, here’s the current Pouring Beans Long Range Weather Forecast, sponsored by Frank Fuckle’s Travelling Circus.

Cloudy 2 29° Thursday 21 July
Heatwave continues. Some cloud cover in places will give way to bright, piercing sunshine. A gentle breeze will just about keep the heat off. You will be sweaty enough to need a cool shower when you get home in the evening. The hottest day of the year so far.
Cloudy 1 32° Friday 22 July
Heatwave continues. There will still be some clouds but not enough to actually keep the sun off. The gentle breeze is no longer refreshing and will just move the clouds out of the way. The Met Office has issued an amber warning against sitting on leather furniture. The hottest day of the year so far.
Sunny 36° Saturday 23 July
Heatwave continues. There are no clouds now, just the burning sun everywhere you look. There will still be a gentle breeze, but the breeze will now be hot, like the air that comes out when you open the oven. You will have no sweat left. The hottest day of the year so far.
Mist 41° Sunday 24 July
Heatwave continues. A low-lying heat haze will persist throughout the morning, which may initially look like cool moisture in the air. Unfortunately it will actually be steam which is likely to produce third degree burns if allowed into prolonged contact with skin. The hottest day of the year so far.
Sunny 43° Monday 25 July
Heatwave continues. Passengers on the London Underground will be medium rare after travelling two stops and well done with delicious brown, crispy edges after five stops. Shade will be non-existent with sunlight penetrating even opaque objects. The hottest day of the year so far.
Snow 49° Tuesday 26 July
Heatwave continues. Freak “hot snow” conditions are expected, blanketing much of England and Wales in piping hot snowflakes that are likely to bring transport to a standstill. Hot snow is capable of melting snow ploughs and so is difficult to clear. The hottest day of the year so far.
Sunny 54° Wednesday 27 July
Heatwave continues. Parts of South West England are expected to melt, with Devon and Cornwall becoming a large slick in the Atlantic. Pouring boiling water from a kettle over yourself will now constitute a refreshing way to cool down. The hottest day of the year so far.

11 comments to Weather forecast

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I heard that the day before that news (news? NEWS? News!) weather report was issued was the hottest day of the year so far.

  • It was, but that record just keeps getting broken.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Did it get broken as the weather persons were leaving the room after making the report?

  • Yeah. Trampled under foot. It’s now the most collectable weather-related record ever.

    Being the most collectable weather-related record ever is, itself, a record – which in turn has also been trampled.

    Wait, what?

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I heard that. I also heard that copies of the limited edition coloured triple vinyl version of ‘Masterpiece’ by the Papples now reaches unbelievable prices on EBay.

    Not that I believe in commerce.

    Wait, what?

  • I heard that too. That one is particularly valuable because the music all fits onto one disc, so the other two just contain etchings of the Papples in a range of erotic poses. That’s considered quite unusual in the record collecting world.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Oh you mean that one of you… with the nun and the watch?

  • That’s the one. The B-side of that disc is the one of you on the nudist beach with that look on your face.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Was it this one?

  • That one exactly. But behind you is the Kama Sutra windbreak I got you from Wilko’s.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    I remember that they took seven different yet almost identical pictures for that particular image. Eight of them were sold off in a charity auction and raised eight million pounds for the Jerry Loinsford Memorial Foundation. Three I keep in my own private collection. One was sold to an unknown female buyer and to this day I don’t know who has it…

    Unless my maths is wrong. Which is possible.

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