I’ve had many jobs in my long and illuminating life. Everything you can think of from washing machine repair man to office monkey to cleaning jockey to whipping boy. I have ticked a lot of boxes and with so many years left to go it’s fair to say that I’ll have a couple more under my belt shortly.
Will any of them ever compare to my bingo trophy though?
That said, recently a new responsibility was thrust upon my paws. Kevin has been at a loose end since his doctor told him that he could no longer perform any further alteration work to his property because it could mean the end of his plica semilunaris. So what does someone do when their very livelihood is taken away from them? They need… BORING CHORES. Normally it would fall to Mr Hill’s lovely but lunatic wife to fill this void, however she has been kind enough to pass the mantle to me so that she is free to pursue her various worthwhile pursuits. Things like, oh I don’t know, goat chasing. That seems like something she would do.
It has taken the last fortnight or so but I believe I have drafted a list the likes of which has never been seen by human EYES before. It is so demanding, so time consuming, so all-encompassing that the chances of Kevin ever doing anything else ever again is slim to none. Kneel before the might of the Caboodle List:
1. Slice each and every pea in a full bag of frozen peas in three equal portions. If at any point an unequal portion is discovered then Kevin must throw out everything done so far and start with a fresh bag.
2. Remove all of the trodden on chewing gum from the pavements of Main Street in Garforth. A particular haven for the delinquents and youths of the surrounding area, this battered lane of masticated gum receives new donations on a daily basis.
3. Phone every person in the Thomson Local phone book to offer them a free bag of yeast. There are over two million people currently living in West Yorkshire; that’s a lot of minutes and a rather large crick waiting to develop in his neck
4. Recreate ‘Earthly Delights’ by the artist Bosch on the beach in the sand using only a stick within two metes of the sea. Hopefully the water will continually lap against his work thus making the task impossible to complete.
5. Travel from Lands End to John O’ Groats using only a skateboard with a broken wheel or a bike made of marshmallows. This one seems the most feasible of the five so far.
6. Read every book in your nearest bookshop without purchasing any books and without the owners realising. This will require a fair amount of stealth and a lot of patience, especially considering the long and winding narrative of Jonathan Swift.
7. Count out ten thousand pounds in one penny coins. Kev hates change.
There were much more fiendish tasks that could have been set but I believe this is enough to get started. The great thing about the Caboodle List is that matters can be added at any time to bulk them out a bit in case Kev feels bored.
These are the endeavours one must endure as his secretary.
11 comments on “The Caboodle List – The Seven Tasks of Kevin”
Are you Kev’s secretary now? Is he paying you actual pounds for that? Why haven’t I been given a job?
I am Kev’s secretary. There’s no money involved just yet but it’s only a matter of time. I got the job at the tri annual Kevin Hill Job Fair in Harrogate.
I should get myself down there. I’ve never attended before because it always used to be for recruiting armies of bricklayers, carpenters and skilled labourers for his home improvement work. I didn’t realise there were professional office jobs going.
There’s all sorts of jobs going these days. I turned the east wing gardens into a business park. We have all sorts operating out of it now, from Jam Makers to hedge fund managers.
Do you have a poodle grooming parlous yet? I’m hoping to move departments early 2017.
I’m hoping for a well-paid job with a big office and a secretary, and preferably a massive desk with lots of drawers. There would need to be a sideboard with a decanter of whisky on it so I could stride around drinking hard liquor like some kind of big shot. Have you got any of those?
Are you sick of drinking flutes of champagne? I swear every photo I see of you you’ve got one in your hand.
The champagne is nice, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to striding around a massive office and bellowing out commands in the world of big business, champagne is just the wrong look. It’s right off the fashions.
What you need is a big jug of crème de menthe. That screams out big business more than any other drink I’ve ever known, and I’ve known plenty, including a bit of Cheeky Dragon.
Damn. You’re right, and I should have known that. I’m kicking myself. Maybe I’m not cut out for the world of big business.
Nobody need know. Just pour yourself a glass and pretend it never happened. Like Wang Chung.