Good morning to you wherever you currently are in the world.
It is a shame when things have to move on. Times change for all of us and I don’t know about you but I always struggle to cope in some way, shape or form. You have been the presenter of Newsround, the presenter of Countryfile, you’re a household name and you never once seem to have given in to the excesses of wealth and fame. That is a shame because everyone needs to let off steam every now and then. Have you never felt as though you had more to give the world, like there was a career waiting in the shadows for you to do something about it?
Have you ever given any thought to a career in rap music?
I believe that you have the raw talent to succeed as Britain’s newest / oldest rapper. You may not have had any experience whatsoever which is fine. Did you ever seen that episode of Louis Theroux where he went to America and tried his hand at rapping? Anyone can do it. I put my hand firmly in the air to be your second in command, your “hype man” as they call it. What this means is what I will start every song by telling everyone how great you are at what you do, setting the stage for what rhymes you start spitting. I reckon that you have a viewpoint which is unique in the world of rap. We can rap about whatever you want: countries, files, antiques, rounds, news, ravens, whatever you like.
I’ve even been thinking about names and even though it could be a cartoon character desperate for a cigarette, how about Craver Crave? Or even Kraver Krave if you really want to knock it out of the park? I will be MC I because everything is a play on words, and it’s kind of like my name but not. It doesn’t have to make sense, nothing makes sense anymore when your’re in a world of giant clocks, money and lurid sex.
If it would help, because I know that you are a happily married man, I can take all the excess that you’d rather not deal with (mainly the groupies, I suppose) and put it in a box away from you. This means you can focus on the important part; the words. I bet you know all the words, I do mean ALL the words, and you’re going to hammer them down like concrete hailstones. This is going to be the best thing you ever did and it would be a supreme honour if you let me help you achieve your goals.
If you are happy to jump right into this I shall include a stamp addressed envelope with this letter so you can write back straight away. You may be a little nervous about this, you may have doubts about your rapping prowess but trust me, you were born for this. You are ready for this. We are ready for this. Now, more than ever, the world needs heroes to shoulder the burdens the others are not prepared for. You’re a good man, John Craven, and I know you’ll make the right decision.
10 comments on “Dear John”
Given that several days have passed since you wrote and sent this, Mr Craven has had ample time to consider his response. I seriously hope you’ve now had a reply which you can share with us all.
I’m not sure how long celebrities take to respond to their fans. What if he’s got a huge mountain of fan mail? I might not hear anything until next week.
It is now next week. EIther you have a response from John Craven (which had better be a “yes”) or he has spurned, shunned and decked this magnificent opportunity and rudely brushed off your proposal without even the dignity of a response, in which case he is dead to me.
I am sorry to report that my postbox remains empty, my letterbox is unmoved and my mat is unheeded by the weight of a mighty response from John Craven. Tragic, tragic turn of events.
Well, I don’t know what to say.
Wait. Yes I do. He’s dead to me.
The weeks go by without a reply
There’s a tear in my eye, a heavy sigh
I won’t deny how hard I try
For his attention I vie and no question of why
I too have written a rap to commemorate this sad occasion.
Craven’s no rapper
His MO is to split
His rep just got crapper
I think he’s a tit
So much better than a haiku it’s true.
Most things are better than a haiku.
Almost two months down the line and nothing.
I have officially given up.