Avatar Let’s take a test

Hey you, over there! Stop chugging that chutney and come over here.

You look spritely and young on the outside but how does that compare with your disgusting insides? How can we know that the you within reflects the you without… withunder… outside? That’s right. The only way that you can know how you you are is by taking this short and pointless test.

Aging is compulsory. There is no way round it no matter how many cups of water you drink, how many creams you smear on your face, how many plastic sur’gries you undertake and how many virgins you kill on the first full moon of the month. For each of the below that applies to you add one point to your score and then check your total at the bottom:

  • Getting into / out of a chair emits a noise you didn’t know was possible and you’ve never heard it before.
  • You can’t sit on the floor anymore without struggling to get up.
  • Your neck isn’t comfortable in any position and sounds like a cement mixer when you change angles too quickly.
  • If you sit too long, you feel tired. If you walk too much, you feel tired. If you get the right balance of both, you still feel tired.
  • Trying to step over a moderately-sized fence is akin to trying to push a buffalo into a milk bottle.
  • Drinking any liquids after a certain point in the evening means at least half a dozen trips to the bog in the night.
  • You’ve got more lines on your face that your average Hollywood script.
  • Your hair is more a memory than anything else.
  • People around you at work weren’t born when you were still in Sixth Form.
  • When you hear a song on the radio you like and realise you accidentally put on ‘Smooth’.
  • You now have to check the length of the hair in your ears and nostrils before you leave the house in case they need clipping.

For 0 to 3 points – You’re young, look at you, with your big shoes and your shiny eyes. Get out of my sight, you sicken me!

For 4 to 6 points – So you’re not quite as youthful as you thought you were but hey, we’ve all been there. It could be much, much worse (see below).

For 7 to 9 points – Oh dear, looks as though adult-sized nappies and 7pm bedtimes are on the horizon. Don’t make any long-term plans.

For anything 10 and over – We both knew this from the start. Get your slippers on, grandad, it’s time for your cod liver oil.

10 comments on “Let’s take a test

  • It’s an 8 for me. Luckily 7pm bedtime is an appealing prospect. Basically the sooner I can get into bed and be asleep, the better.

  • Is that what you’re doing? I recently learned you’re a man who has a shower in the evening and then puts the same fleece on every day, regardless of the prevailing temperature. Is that your clubbing attire?

  • I know you did, but I choose to ignore that because I find it more amusing to imagine that you’re still doing it.

    Are you curious what Kev’s score would be? I sometimes wonder whether we should let him know about this website so he could come here and join in if he wanted to.

  • Why would he be interested in this? He’s too busy sewing a dog to the internet or whatever it is he’s doing these days. Something involving a diploma or slacks, or the three degrees, I don’t know.

  • I’m pretty sure it’s either one or all of those things. He’s a busy chap. Plus he helps the needy by volunteering at the homeless poodle groomery most evenings.

  • If it were me, and thankfully it’s not, I would rest the dog on my lap and cut with my right hand whilst typing with the left. That way everyone’s a winner and you get two jobs done for the price of one.

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