Where do your allegiances lie? Are you loyal to the Royals? Are you allied to the River Clyde? Are you dutiful to anything beautiful?
Until recently this was a question I just couldn’t answer. I didn’t know whose side I was on. But then someone handed me a little card and my life changed.
Yes! Now I have a Porridge Loyalty Card, I am officially loyal to porridge, and I have the documentation to prove it. Nobody can doubt my porridge credentials.
What are you loyal to? Are you a porridge compatriot? I must know.
16 comments on “Loyalty”
All porridge? Including the one without jam in and all it is is porridge and nothing else and tastes like milky sawdust?
It appears from the evidence presented that you Sir, are not as you claim, loyal to all porridge, but in fact just the “LARGE” variety.
We’ve had your sort round these parts before.
And just how much porridge have you purchased so far? I don’t think you can claim loyalty if you’ve only bought one. I insist upon a photo of the other side of the card otherwise the house will cry taunts of CHARLATAN from the barracks.
I have purchased two porridges since acquiring this card. The corresponding slots on the back of the card have been stamped with the letter “W”, which I assume must stand for something related to porridge in some way.
Please do not attempt to impugn my porridge allegiance. It will not wash. I have the documentation to prove that I am loyal. You, sirs, do not, and until you do, your cries of disloyalty will be met with my mirthless, pitying laugh.
The letter ‘W’ is not part of the word ‘porridge’ therefore your response is both null and void. Your loyalty is as worthless as the card it is printed on.
Perhaps the ‘W’ stands for ‘Wannabe’ Porridge Loyalist? Even your porridge loyal ‘friends’ are mocking your lack of commitment.
This is all porridge off a duck’s back. I see this for what it is – envy. You’re both just jealous that nobody has invited you into the porridge club. You feel inferior and worthless. I understand.
The fact is that I have my porridge credentials and you don’t, and all of your bitterness and resentment can never dent my intolerable smugness.
Huge armies, nations and elected officials of the highest order have tried to dent your intolerable smugness but to no avail.
The way I defeated them all only served to make me more smug. It’s like I always say: what doesn’t kill you makes you smugger.
But I always thought that Kev was the smug one? Have you taken over because his absences grow longer each time?
I think Chis overtook me on the smug stakes whilst we were filming Newsboost, all the Bewleys News Tea™ went to his ego. I think this new porridge thing is a flash in the pan. He’ll soon realise its all a marketing fad for gullible Londoners.
Come to think of it, who even buys porridge? When have you ever been out and about and thought “Ooh I fancy some heavy oaty gloop to weigh me down”?
Chis? Who’s this Chis guy? I thought I was one of the smuggest around and it turns out I’ve never even heard of someone who is apparently a major player. I’m going to track him down.
You know the world is going to pot when both Kev and Chris are out-smugged by a mysterious smuggish stranger called Chis.
Is Chis short for ‘Chiselled Smug Git’?
Oh man. Is he chiseled too? I feel intimidated by this Chis character. I’m going to stoke myself up on porridge, and then I’m going to deck him.
I knew you would say that, so I already filmed you doing it and posted it on Youtube. You have approximately 107 viewers since going live four days ago.