Avatar New beans, please

“One! Ha ha ha. Two! Ha ha ha. Three! Ha ha ha.” The immortal wisdom of the Count.

Here on the Beans, our counting is not done by a furry purple vampire, but by the Bean Counter, an ingenious piece of machinery made from old sofa springs and a second-hand nuclear reactor that we found in a car boot sale. For more than four years now it’s been faithfully counting up our posts and generating new genetically-modified beans and peas as a reward for our performance, while also disgorging between eight and twelve tons of a resinous toxic by-product into the picturesque River Swale each day.

The highly complicated algorithm by which it awards beans has remained the same since early 2014, so it’s no surprise that earlier this year there were calls for an overhaul of the system to better reflect the realities of blogging in the futuristic world of 2018.

The point of the Bean Counter was never to create a level playing field, but rather to produce a playing field with carefully chosen hills and crevices so that we all stand a chance of scoring a Bean each month according to our various blog posting habits. Critics of the existing system pointed out that it was far easier for Ian to score a Bean than anyone else, and that Kev’s time-consuming building projects meant that three posts in a month was an unattainably high bar for him to reach.

I am delighted to announce, as a result, that major engineering works have been completed and the Bean Counter is now operating a completely new set of rules.

  • Kev will now score a Bean if he makes two (2) posts in a month.
  • Ian will now score a Bean if he makes precisely three (3) or four (4) posts in a month.
  • Chris will continue to score a Bean if he makes four (4) or more posts in a month.

Some would say that these new rules should begin operation from this month onwards, and that existing scores should be left alone. Perhaps they should. But I had a go at that and it was really difficult, so the new rules now apply to all previous months as well, causing a major recasting of our historical Bean Counts.

  • Kev has gained six (6) additional beans for months in which he made two posts.
  • Ian has lost ten (10) beans for months in which he only made two posts.

This is deeply and inherently unfair, which is unfortunate but unavoidable without further major re-engineering work that will just be an absolute faff.

Your comments, detailed feedback and outright anger will be welcome in the comments section below, but may not amount to much.

31 comments on “New beans, please

  • Initial reaction: Ah, that thing that we talked about.
    Mid reaction: What the… WHERE’S ALL MY FUCKING BEANS GONE?
    End reaction: Ah well, I still have more than Kev

  • You still have more beans than anyone. BUT.


    Now the battle between you and me is interesting. There is something to play for, at last. Now there is real competition.

  • Are you trying to liven things up with a competition between the two of us? Have you not learned that I am the least competitive person out of the three of us?

  • Oh I see. He’s got 9 beans in total now. But he deserves them according to the Official Rules.

    Is he telling us he cheated to get all 9? If he’d been cheating you’d think he’d have got himself more than 9.

  • I don’t remember Kev ever posting anything ever. I think it’s all a massive lie, with a tiny fib as a door handle.

  • I heard a rumour that when Kev is adding whatever extension to whatever side of his house that needs extending, they take turns “nutting” the nails into the wall. It’s crazy.

  • Changlet. Big Chang doesn’t showboat like that, he has too much building work to get on with. The Health and Safety Executive would be all up in his grill if he tried any tricks like that.

  • Yeah, I’d stay away if I were you. He’s not to be messed with. God knows what’ll happen when he’s an actual adult. I think I’ll have to emigrate just to guarantee my safety.


    I still need to crack off at least one more post before the end of Sept. That’s only ten days. And what if I need to do two?

    There’s a lot of pressure involved in posting on websites, isn’t there?

  • You seem to be coping well.

    You know who isn’t coping well? Kev, because excuse after excuse and whoops-a-daisy still no posts from him.

    I’m preparing a very slow, sarcastic hand clap in readiness for my next scathing comment.

  • Yeah. All the rules have changed, specifically for HIM, and yet HE makes no effort AT ALL. I spoke to him this week. It was all excuses about his “life” and “Sarah” and having a “child” to “look after” and going to “work”. Balls, I said. This is all balls. And then I hung up.

  • I expect he’s trying the key in the lock on each of his front doors. That’s going to take a couple of weeks if he’s hoping to get round them all.

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