Controversial prime minister candidate in waiting and all round news buffoon Tub Barsley is causing further commotion down the food chain with his unusual and somewhat illegal approach to affordable housing in the UK.
Even though his constituency is based in the South of England, around the corner from Canterbury, his recently-drawn up plans are for a number of flats and houses in the North-East. It appears as though the urgency for finding new land to build properties on has caused builders and politicians to think outside the box. That said, even Local Authorities are questioning Mr Barsley’s proposed underground scheme.
“I really don’t see what the problem is,” blustered Tub Barsley in a press conference on Monday. “My good friend Church Bollywoggan, the conservative MP for North Tyneside, asked me for help with the issue of housing “up there” and it made perfect sense that if there is no land to build on the surface then the only solution is to go down there. Think about it; you’re closer to the earth’s core therefore it’ll be warmer and the heating bills will be less. The sewerage smells can always be masked by Glade plug-ins. I am one hundred per cent behind this; I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”
Mr Barsley, whilst clearly completely off his rocker, clearly has not taken into account the health and safety aspect of building flats in the centuries old sewer system of England. In addition to how the Council would be able to keep these clean enough for people to live in, there is also the complications of rat infestations and the prospect of walking out in the morning to find a turd floating past your front door. These points were further pressed on Mr Barsley.
“As with any housing project there will be quandaries that need to be overcome. I am merely the muse, the idea manager who wants this cherished flower to bloom so that those people who need a place to stay have somewhere that is in the area they already live and, ultimately, is affordable within their limited income,” said Tub Barsley, owner of three houses in London, two ostentatious holiday cabins in Devon and a luxurious flat over in the South of France.
When asked the last time it was that Mr Barsley visited the North-East of England, he remarked that he had seen it on a map “within the last few years”.
8 comments on “Newsboost – Hunderground Housing cHaos”
Are you saying you’re too good to live in a sewer?
What I’m saying is that, given the choice between homelessness and sewer lodgings, I would always choose the latter. I would however prefer life up town to one down below. I may look like a troglodyte but that doesn’t mean I want to live like one.
Given the choice, personally, I’d live in an ostentatious holiday cabin. I imagine it would basically be a big shed with lots of doilies.
I’d rather the sheds in Devon, the flat in France, or even the sewer, than live in the dirty filth-pit that is London. Who in their right mind would live there?
I heard London hates everyone that doesn’t charge six hundred pounds for a sausage roll. Is there any truth behind that, Chris?
I don’t know what that means. Luckily it won’t be my problem soon, because I’ll be retiring to my luxury mansion in the Home Counties, where sausage rolls are handmade by artisan butchers and sold in overpriced farm shops, the way god intended.
You see you, right, you’re understated yet ostentatious.
Just like my chrome bathroom fittings. Look, but don’t touch.