Avatar The Pouring Beans intellectual property portfolio

It occurred to me the other day, when Kev trademarked the name “Metal Horse™”, that we’ve trademarked quite a few terms over the years, and the terms that make up our intellectual property must now be quite substantial.

I have, therefore, conducted several exhausting days* of research to discover just how wide-ranging our various trademarks are, and I can present the results to you now for the first time. So here are all of the Pouring Beans trademarked terms, every last one, in chronological order.

Character Hatch™

Date: 31 January 2010
By: Kev
First use: Oi!
Remarks: Probably the most commonly used of all our trademarks, and the most terrifying component of the Beans canon.

Wheel of Thrusting™

Date: 15 July 2010
By: Ian
First use: Highs and Lows
Remarks: Ian’s most practical invention, the Wheel of Thrusting™ had to be trademarked to avoid the idea being copied all around the world.

The Compass of Approved Regulation Mealtimes™

Date: 7 September 2014
By: Kev
First use: The Compass of Approved Regulation Mealtimes
Remarks: Surprising Kev had time to trademark this in between his 16 daily meals.


Date: 18 September 2014
By: Kev
First use: Things You Didn’t Know About 10 Owls
Remarks: Strangely, “PouringBeans™” has been trademarked as a single word, but never “Pouring Beans”. I don’t know why. I’m not a lawyer.

The Flat in London that Nobody Wanted™

Date: 12 July 2015
By: Ian
First use: Newsboost: National State of Emergency
Remarks: If there had to be a trademarked brand name for my old flat in Crystal Palace, it could only be this.


Date: 15 September 2015
By: Chris
First use: Reviews of Mundane Objects: Toothpaste
Remarks: My very first trademark is for a delicious pork-flavoured toothpaste product, since Kev doesn’t like mint. It is, tragically, still not yet in large scale production.

Britain’s Newest Dad™

Date: 7 March 2016
By: Ian
First use: Chang’d Up, Chang’d Down
Remarks: Kev becomes the first Beans member to be trademarked, but not the last.

Big Man™

Date: 20 April 2016
By: Ian
First use: Chris’ Favourite New Song: Broiler
Remarks: Chris’s personal trademark arrives. Two down, one to go.


Date: 27 May 2016
By: Kev
First use: Appeasing the Magical Computers
Remarks: If “PouringBeans™” is our “Coca Cola”, here’s the “Coke” to go with it.


Date: 5 June 2017
By: Kev
First use: Frankenstein’s Sideboard (comment)
Remarks: Not clear what this is or why it needed a trademark.

Dirty Chips™

Date: 9 May 2018
By: Kev
First use: Chips (comment)
Remarks: It’s only right that Kev should trademark this.

Hot Beans™

Date: 31 December 2018
By: Ian
First use: Hot Beans (TM)
Remarks: Ian’s last trademark to date is for one of his less questionable product ideas, though that term is relative.

Leggy Duck: a revolution with feathers

Date: 5 September 2019
By: Chris
First use: Leggy Duck
Remarks: Easily the tallest of all our trademarked concepts, and the most buoyant.


Date: 10 December 2019
By: Kev
First use: Where the Things Are (comment)
Remarks: It had to happen some time.

Hotter Otter™

Date: 27 February 2020
By: Kev
First use: Mrs Miggins is Up To No Good (comment)
Remarks: Completing the hat trick, Ian finally gets himself a trademark.

Pouring Beans Calendar 2020™

Date: 19 July 2020
By: Chris
First use: Happy Slick Voles’ Day
Remarks: Not clear why this wasn’t trademarked when the calendar was first marketed in November 2019.

Metal Horse™

Date: 28 September 2020
By: Kev
First use: Goodbye, Metal Horse
Remarks: The latest entry from our most prolific trademarker came just two days ago, and may have prompted the idea for this blog post, which is in no way a quick way of sniping in one last post this month before the deadline.

* About ten minutes.

14 comments on “The Pouring Beans intellectual property portfolio

  • Diamond socks would either be horrible and golfery, a la the ones above, or hideously painful to wear, a la socks made of actual diamonds. Frankly I’d rather have a diamond hat, it’d still be uncomfortable, but at least I wouldn’t have to hide it under my shoes.

  • If I’m a millionaire and I want uncomfortable socks that cost several hundreds of thousands of pounds then that’s what I’m going to do. I may get two pairs and wear them both at the same time given that’s my ‘hing.

  • Why do you want uncomfortable socks? If you’re a millionaire, why wouldn’t you live in absolute luxury at all times? That’s what I’d do. I’d be wearing the most comfortable socks in the world, hand-made for me by the world’s foremost sockologists.

  • There’s no millionaire quite like you. Rich beyond your wildest dreams, but permanently uncomfortable and wilfully unhappy.

    This is just like when you said that, if you were given the power of time travel, you’d use it to let Genghis Khan indulge in sexual bliss in New York in 1969 rather than just going there yourself and getting your own end away.

  • You’d let Genghis have his sordid way with every nubile young lady in the Summer of Love, and then you’d clean up after him too? Mate, you’re better than that. Don’t do that to yourself. And if you do, wear rubber gloves.

  • You never know, almost 800 years in the afterlife (or wherever he went) may have changed his mind about the whole ‘fuck this, fuck that and damn the consequences’ approach he adopted in the 13th century. Maybe he’s into gardening now?

  • If he is, you don’t want to take him to New York in the 60s. You should take him to Saville’s Garden Centre on Garforth Cliff in about 1991. He could look at the plants and the displays of sheds and gazebos, and then you could both have a ride on the miniature train.

  • He totally would. You could also look at the many tanks of goldfish. Those are my main memories of that garden centre.

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