Avatar Chris’ New Favourite Song – ‘Broiler’

In ancient Latin a ‘broiler’ is a broken boiler. So many people have been brought to their knees because of a lack of hot water.

In accordance with Beans law, so it was requested that a song be written to accompany Christopher’s anguish at no longer being a Big Man (TM) and having to resume his role originally handed to him in a sock over a year ago.

I was the person handed that task and I am the one who has furiously sculpted the song that lays before you. There is no joy to be had in this post. If you are looking for sunshine and pickles then I would suggest you look elsewhere. Only doom and gloom permeate this blackened tune.

If only the National Whinge Line was still up and running. Keep your next of kin on speed dial.


It was a Tuesday night,
I wasn’t feeling alright.
I knew I’d felt better,
As I clung to my sweater.
Inclement weather in May,
Added to my disarray.
Kettles wearing a frown,
My boilers broken down.

I think it’s the flue,
Problems, I’ve got a few.
The warranty’s out of date,
Got there two days too late.
Now that the meters teasing,
Everything’s slowly freezing.
Oh, there is just no pleasing,
Shunt’ be this cold this season.

(Instrumental break)

Glow worm, Valliant, Worcester Bosch

So, I am left this way,
In this cool month of May.
Engineer can’t come by
‘Til 3pm next Fri.
Over a week like this?
Fiddlesticks, ladles and whisks!
Combi’s left me so blue,
Tell me, what can I do?

Diddle diddle dee dum de dum de babaaaa badum

I hope this is sufficient for everyone’s purposes. Whilst this tale may not be true, it easily could have been.

20 comments on “Chris’ New Favourite Song – ‘Broiler’

  • I am having trouble composing myself here. This song has really hit a nerve, not least because some of the screws on my boiler’s flue are loose and it is technically not to standard, but they are in an inaccessible location and so can’t easily be corrected, and so I do genuinely have problems with my flue.

    I’m choking up. I can hardly speak.

  • Have you known your kettle to wear a frown? Have you ever used ‘Fiddlesticks, ladles and whisks’ as an expression?

    And on a personal note, have you ever clung to your sweater?

  • No, no and no, in that specific order, but the likelihood of all three has increased significantly since I became aware of this powerful ballad.

  • All it needs is a morose thumping techno soundtrack and it’s ripe for a Pappling (that’s when the Papples “pap” up a song).

    On Monday I didn’t get a job. You win this round, Wolfson…

  • Papping up could only ever be reverb and BVs, along with award-winning song writing and catchy harmonies.

  • Yeah. And just because no catchy harmonies make it onto our albums doesn’t mean they aren’t an important part of the process.

  • In any case, we listen to catchy harmonies and they “inspire” us to create the fantastical masterpieces that we do. It IS part of the process, just not part of the final product.

  • Exactly. Only by immersing ourselves in catchy harmonies can we move beyond catchy harmonies to create the strange, atonal noises that make up our songs.

  • Our songs aren’t songs. They’re works of art. They’re poems with sounds attached. They’re beautiful and majestic like… Like…

  • *goes to say something, changes mind, rummages around for nooks and crannies*

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