The world was plunged into confusion and terror today as it was revealed that a growing number of toasters are using desperately violent measures to make themselves known following a decline in toasted-based breakfasts.
The growth in the “healthy breakfast revolution”, which has seen people more inclined than ever to sprint to work with some sort of energetic biscuit soiling their mouth, has pushed the standard staples of breakfast, such as cereal and toast, to one side and off the edge into the bin. There is such a large range of yoghurts and seed bars, and with 2014 containing less time than ten years ago people just don’t have the time to sit down and heat up bread anymore. The result has seen toasters become not only redundant but sad and a little bit cranky.
Toast hasn’t been this unpopular since 1959, in the year that saw bread publicly state that it, “hated everyone” and that “the world would be better off without humans”. Bread retracted this statement some days later but it had a lasting effect that wouldn’t see toast recover until some years later. At least back then you could argue that this was self-inflicted; the modern world hasn’t been particularly kind to toast. So much so that a large group of toasters has organised an attack in the West Midlands.
Toasters from in and around the Birmingham area have barricaded themselves in a local Wetherspoons and are threatening to singe the ears of several cats caught earlier this week unless their demands are met. So far these appear to simple: more toast, less not toast, more crumpets and bread buns and perhaps a waffle here and there. An official spokesperson for the toasters is yet to comment, although we would imagine that what he has to say would be indecipherable.
The local police have had to call in a specialised Toaster Sheriff, Sherilyn Lucas, to enter into talks with the toasters to smooth over the tension and hopefully come to a satisfying, or snackisfying, conclusion without the need for burnt kitty ears. Let’s hope that it’s less toast fur and more toast her for doing a sufficient job. Only time will tell if these puns are actually funny.
10 comments on “Newsboost – Toaster Terror Trauma”
In response to this news, I have tethered my toaster to the kitchen worktop, and given it a stern lecture about its place in the world.
It appears to be remaining loyal to me and is not threatening to switch allegiance to this heretic bunch.
Phew, that’s a relief. After your incident with an avocado I’d hate any other kitchen-related disaster to occur this year. Does your toaster have a shiny surface and can you see your reflection? Was it like you were giving yourself a telling off?
No, my toaster is digital. It has a fascinating green-blue patina that appears to change colour depending on the angle at which you view it, and a digital LED display that indicates the current toast settings. It therefore presents a particularly high risk of conducting cyber-attacks on major human institutions as part of the kitchen appliance war, and to prevent this happening I’ve made sure it can’t find the wifi password.
What a monster. Why would you inflict something like this on not only yourself but the people around you? Why can’t you be happy like everyone else with a small wood-burning stove and a sharp stick?
I live in London. Wood is illegal here. Everything is electronic. Even my shoes.
Your shoes are worth more than all of the Newcastle pounds I have about my person. It’s disgusting how little I can buy when I come to stay with you. I remember bartering with a shopkeep for a small tube of wallpaper paste and scarely coming away with change from £2,000.00.
I remember that. If I recall correctly, when you got the wallpaper paste back to the Frozen North, it was too electronic and not woody enough to work with your northern wallpaper. How we laughed.
I did not have big boots that day that’s for sure. I must remember that things bought in one region will not work in the other, like trying to plug some tulips into a grumpy squirrel.
You can get a squirrel adapter these days. The tulips still won’t grow if you plug them in, but it means the squirrel will only get irate and won’t reject them altogether.
I can’t afford squirrel adaptors, I only have my crappy Newcastle pounds. I’d be lucky to get a second hand badger convertor.
Also I have a massive problem in that I can see tulips but I can’t “feel” them.