Avatar Taking bets now

David Walliams has recently released his amazing new book ‘The World’s Worst Parents’ to probably universal acclaim. The world has stopped caring about his painful meanderings to try and become the new Roald Dahl and, I expect, given up. They’re letting him run through the wheat fields, spewing out chaff onto our shelves, without a care in the world. If they did still care then someone would have told him that books with titles such as ‘Bad Dad’, ‘Awful Auntie, ‘Slime’ and ‘Grandpa’s Great Escape’ need a re-think.

So now what next? What other depths could he plummet too literature-wise? I’ve seen keen and I can tell that you are all keen to get some red hot dough ray me monwa action on the go. I have been knocking heads with some bookies and we are happy to offer you the following odds on what could be the title of David Walliams next best-selling bogroll:

  1. Drunkle Uncle – 5/1 – Luke can’t get along with his uncle Billy. He always turns up to his football games off his face and embarrasses himself. There is only one thing he can do and that’s take him to an AA meeting. Whilst there, uncle Billy meets an old friend who reminds him of a promise he made back during the Gulf War. It will mean travelling to the Middle-East where all sorts of adventures are going to happen.
  2. Fuzzen Cousin – 10/1 – Harmony and Constance are cousins, and the absolute best of friends. Throughout their early teenage years they are inseparable, however one night Harmony wakes up and she has grown an unusual amount of pubic hair. Constance cannot believe the attention her cousin is now getting from all the boys at school. Something must be done and only the strongest of families, and friendships, will survive an adventure like this.
  3. The Great Steamin’ Grandpa Adventure – 30/1 – Felicity found her grandpa oiling his plants in the back garden, another typical summer’s day. What she didn’t realise though is that this grandpa isn’t her grandpa, it’s a grandnah! He locks himself in his shed and refuses to come out. Grandpa doesn’t want to do anything ever again so Felicity must find a way to tempt him out and re-live all their wonderful memories together. Let’s hope that she can do so before the annual Coin Collector’s Ball needs their star attraction and key speaker.
  4. Dead Shark – 3/1 – Robert finds a shark on the beach. It’s an ordinary dead shark with nothing exceptional about it… or is it? Now when Robert falls asleep he is taken to the magical dead shark dream realm where all your wishes can come true… or can they? Now he must try to work out what is real and what isn’t whilst holding back armies of clandestine crabs and soup knife prawns… or will he? How can Robert trust anything now that he knows a dead shark is never just a dead shark?

16 comments on “Taking bets now

  • I have no doubt whatsoever that the next book will be one of these four, but I have no hope at all that we can stop it. Presumably he has the same publisher as you and they will sling out thousands of copies of whatever he turns out without a moment’s thought for the effect on society.

  • Ted has a few of his books, and they are horrible. They might share a theme with some of Roald Dahls stuff but the sentiment is way off. Instead of RDs charm and childish (in a complimentary way) writing, Walliam’s books are full of snark and sass.

    I hate them. I hope no more of them see the light of day.

    Having said that, put me down for a fiver on Fuzzen Cousin.

  • I hate snark and I loathe sass, except when I’m delivering it, when it’s the height of mirth.

  • Unless I’m churning out that sass and snark I loathe it. It’s the furthest from a boon you can get. The closer you are to a boon the warmer and happier you feel; it’s simple science.

  • That’s because the average boon operates at 13.5kW and most of that energy is radiated as heat. I have a boon cosy over my boon so that I don’t accidentally touch it and burn myself.

  • So Chris has a boon cosy over his boon so he doesn’t boon himself and Kev is paranoid about overboonation so he writes into magazines using an assumed name. I’m learning a lot about you two today.

  • What I’m learning from you is that your life is a bit light on the old boon front, and you could do with getting yourself properly booned up, before you recklessly throw away yet another weekend.

  • Are they Boon, the Texas rangers or the Texas Boon Rangers? I hope its the latter, and they spend their days rounding up loose boon.

  • It must be the latter. The other one doesn’t even make sense. Everyone knows there’s a lot of wild boon roaming around Texas and trampling the crops.

  • There’s always local news reports of lost boon and people having to form small groups to round up the boon.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if there was wild boon lurking in the Yorkshire Moors. That’s completely untapped, brimming with boon.

  • Untapped boon? We should get up there with our boon nooses and search it out. But we’d have to keep it under our hat or else we might start a Boon Rush.

  • I doubt there would ever be a repeat of the Great Boon Rush of ’73 but you’re right, we cannot take such a risk. I tell you what, we’ll curb all these Boon Bants until we can formulate a plan and start sucking out the boon. You feel my furniture flow?

  • I have never felt your furniture flow, and nor would I. I am a gentleman.

    A man’s furniture flow is his own private kingdom. I will guard it with my life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Optionally upload an image to accompany your comment (JPG only)