Last weekend, me and the boy decided to live it up and catch the showing of classic cyberpunk anime ‘Akira’ at the local cinema. The cinema was so hot that I struggled to stay awake during the second half of the film; it didn’t help that the one we were in was on the top floor and, as all good little scientists know, hot air rises. I did stay awake but you would think that the combination of psychic children, exploding people and the end of the world would be enough to keep my brain and eyes functioning.
Before the film started, we discussed what would be the three best films we would like to see at the cinema. The conversation then inevitably came to what three worst films we would want. Having been witness to some of the abject atrocities of cinema from the last forty years, I believe I may have an insight into this that most people wouldn’t. I therefore present to you my choices for the three worst films I want to see on the big screen
John Woo was an excellent director from Hong Kong when he started his career. He ended it tucked away in Hollywood directing bollocks like this. ‘Paycheck’ is a personal favourite of mine because it wastes a story by Philip K. Dick, the acting talents of Ben Afleck and Paul Giamatti and features hilarious one-liners that aren’t meant to be funny including ‘I was eating pie!’. I used to own five copies of this however after moving around a few years ago I had to cut down to only two. If you can see this I strongly recommend it if only for Uma Thurman being horribly miscast as the love interest and displaying barely enough chemistry to boil a kettle.
The Jerk Too
As a child I was introduced to Steve Martin films through my siblings. I owned a copy of ‘The Jerk’ on VHS and watched it repeatedly. It’s not his best but it was his first and puts most modern comedy films to shame with the amount of ideas and general lunacy. What I wasn’t aware of was a made for TV sequel done some years later which only involved one of the cast from the original film (his mum). Steve Martin played the title character, Navin Johnson, as a sweet and misunderstood good-natured person. Mark Blankfield, however, plays him as someone with learning difficulties. It was quite unbearable to watch at times. If you need an example of this (it’s not on Youtube, I checked), try and find the poker game in the shack and the scene where someone mentions lemon merangue pie; you’ve never heard someone ejaculate a noise mixed in with an as worrying as Mr Blankfield does in your life. Throw in some bad guys who make The Little Rascals look like the cast of a Guy Ritchie film, a bizarre musical number in the middle for no apparent reason other than a homeless woman to serenade Navin and an opening credits scene that shows you the entire movie before you’ve seen it and you’ve got a perfect recipe for nonsense.
You all knew this was coming. The cinema could be decorated in hula flowers and coconut drink cups and… hang on, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Primarily funded by the Fiji tourist board as a way of enticing tourists to visit Fifi, ‘Bula Quo’ is a film that’s not a film because it’s a terrible rock band who can’t act running around Fiji being chased by the least threatening gangster villain since I put a fake cigar in my mouth and did an impression of Al Capone. The music is awful, the humour is awful, the acting is questionable and the whole thing stinks, no, reeks of desperation. Fiji should know better. I wouldn’t be surprised if tourism went down after this “film” was released. The only legitimate way to enjoy it is to be absolutely hammered or… no that seems to be the only way to enjoy it.
There were a lot of runners up: The Quest was a strong contender, Reuben in particular chose “Die Hard on Ice” (see ‘Sudden Death’ starring Jean Claude Van Damme), the Doom film, a parade of Adam Sandler films and anything starring Kevin James. Given how Chris has only ever seen one film I expect it will be a difficult question to answer but what would YOUR three films be?
12 comments on “The worst three”
I now want to see everything mentioned in this post. Except the first one you mentioned that you went to a hot cinema for, that sounds like bobbins.
You only hate it because you have one film to compare it to and good job Care Bears II is animated otherwise we’d all be in hot filth (?)
Also does this mean you’ve been dying to watch Bula Quo again?
I’d certainly give it a spin. I’d also like to see an Adam Sandler film that Richard Herring mentions occasionally called “The Cobbler”, where he inherits a magic shoe cobbling tool, and any shoe he repairs he can then put on and become its owner. It sounds unbelievably crap.
Ever since I read the premise of that film I too have wanted to see it because it sounds absolute bobbins and considering this is coming from a man who’s film output for the last twenty years has mainly consisted of living out childhood fantasies of being someone funny and important and sucking at every single movie he’s in, that’s saying something.
It’s an achievement of a kind, and as someone who was in The Rapples, I’m in no position to mock.
Mock you shall, sir. One of these days ‘Space for an Ace’ will be considered a cult classic.
Of… epic proportions?
Short answer: EVERYONE!
Long answer: our vast volume of fans will be so enamoured by our collective work that they will devour anything that has passed our fingers, lips and feet over the previous 20/25 years. Viewed with eyes a-new, it will be seen as misguided and underappreciated.
A reappraisal with full historical perspective. Yes. It’s the only thing that can save the Rapples now.
I heard Chef Shizzle is serving jail time. Let’s hope that gets swept under the carpet of time and never sees the light of day.
I heard that Christo M. Fury attended anger management classes and has mostly calmed down.