Avatar Batloholic

Dear Batman,

Hello, Mr Batman sir. I have heard a lot about you since I was a child. You’re the world’s greatest detective. You have lots and lots of gadgets. You’re in perfect physical shape and can do anything you set your mind to. You can beat any villain that turns up in Gotham City. When was the last time you ate?

Your exploits have been turned into comics, television series’ and big film adaptations. There’s not a piece of merchandise in the world that doesn’t have your face on it. I bet in some countries there are even Batman rubber gloves and Batman condoms with some funny tagline: ‘The caped crus-lay-der’ or ‘for when you want to inspect her dynamic duo’. I’m not in marketing so I’m not very good at this. Yeah, they’re probably unlicensed and hidden away in the corner of Brazil or something. I doubt I’ll ever come across them.

Holy room-spinning debaucherously good fun, Batman!

What I will say is that I have never seen you on the booze. You may have at some point, I mean who doesn’t like a drink every now and then? You don’t have time to get wasted at your local, the Penguin has escaped and, I don’t know, unleashed an army of penguin explosives at an orphanage.

I can only presume that this was done without your say so and that you had no involvement whatsoever. I expect you will need to pass this to your lawyers (or bat lawyers, because everything is bat-related) to start the lawsuit. You don’t normally associated superheroes with hipflasks so lord knows what the company that made them was thinking. “Dads are heroes, dads like snifters of whisky when nobody is looking, let’s combine the two shall we?”.

Anyway, keep up the good work. I’ll drop by if I’m ever in the area.

All the best

Unspecified fan

9 comments on “Batloholic

  • Yes. Robin tackling villains while holding some piping hot leek and potato soup in one of those white plastic cups that screws onto the top of a Thermos flask. It’s what the franchise has been missing. I heard that it would have appeared in one of the films except that George Clooney is allergic to insulated canisters.

  • Of course not! Just because I know a great deal of behind-the-scenes trivia about whichever Batman reboot had George Clooney in it, that doesn’t mean I’ve seen it. I’m just very well read.

    For example, did you know that George Clooney’s Batman was wearing underpants with a Superman logo? Clooney thought it gave his character more depth.

  • I feel as though there are nefarious shenanigans going on. For now, however, I am going to allow this.

    We’ll see how far that trivia stretches the next time we’re at a pub quiz (because that’s BOUND to HAPPEN very SOON).

  • A pub quiz specifically about the George Clooney version of Batman? Sounds great. I’m in. I’ll win that. I’ve got this. Leave it to me.

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