The burning question that has been on all your lips since the beginning of the series is about to be answered. You know all Ian, you’ve seen him, smelt him (sadly, usually against your wishes), shook his hand and then wiped it on a towel afterwards for fear of what you may have picked up. He is a thing that exists, and you know this because he’s persistently annoyed you with stretchy pyjama trouser and fish mystery-based shenanigans for over half of your adult lives.
What is he though? What makes up an ‘Ian’ and how can we stop it happening again?
With the help of a team of scientists and through furious, various and meticulous scientific study, with the approval of the man himself, we finally have an answer. It would have been nice to display everything in a pie chart however that wasn’t in the budget (we blew the last of the money on a dash cam for Derek’s mother-in-law) so here’s a lovely list instead:
Components of the being known as ‘Ian’
43% – Castoreum
15% – Bells
12% – Sawdust
9% – Blood
6% – Laughter
5% – An inability to balance a spoon on his nose
3% – Teeth
3% – Beanbags
2% – Figs
1% – Jazz hands
1% – Cochineal Beetles
As you can see, here is conclusive proof that a lot of Ian is mostly filled with bits and bobs. His biology is a marvel to behold because, really, he shouldn’t still be alive given that the majority of his body is beaver sac excretions, wood remnants and hollow metal objects typically in the shape of a deep inverted cup widening at the lip that sounds a clear musical note when struck.
Further studies are encouraged and once we raise the funding via Stefan’s onlyfans page we should be set. His ‘NSFW Autumnal’ photo set is providing very popular with the usual internet weirdoes.
12 comments on “A Question of Biology – what exactly is Ian?”
I had to look up castoreum and now I wish I hadn’t.
Imagine being 43% made up of it.
How do you live like that? It might be the most appalling thing that’s ever entered my mind.
Super easy, barely an inconvenience. I’ve been doing it so long I have forgotten what it’s like not to do it.
Let’s talk about something else, because I think it’s important that we stop talking about this as soon as possible. If you’re 2% figs does that mean you eat enough figs to maintain that level of figginess, or does your body naturally grow a certain amount of fig flesh?
My body naturally grows a certain amount of fig flesh. I’ve made a point not to consume any figs since I discovered them growing out of my left hip. It would be wrong, almost cannibalistic.
This is true. It also leads to the interesting fact that, if you covered any other human in pastry they’d be a sausage roll, because they are made of meat, but if you got covered in pastry you’d be a fig roll.
It might be my only chance to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, world’s largest fig roll!
As far as I can tell, no such record currently exists, so I might get in there first just by entering any normal fig roll. Then you can swipe in with your human-sized confection once I’ve got my gold certificate.
That way we BOTH get certificates and can start an exclusive fig roll club. It’s always been my dream.
That’s a very specific dream, and in many ways it’s remarkable that I managed to fulfil it purely by chance. You should really have mentioned it at some point.
I fig-got to do so.
(ding!)