We all look very handsome here on the Beans – that goes without saying – but one area where we clearly still have work to do is with our headgear. Generally speaking we are hatless and that has to change.
I have enlisted a celebrity millinery expert to select bespoke hats, which will serve to indicate the purpose and majesty of each of our positions.
This smashing Kazakh hat is both functional and stylish. It’s fur lined and guaranteed to keep you warm, it’s got glossy green embroidery to make an eye-catching statement, and its furry edges are totally hairy on the go. Even better, with three peaks, even when carelessly worn at the wrong angle, it’ll still keep the sun out of your eyes.
As the most self-important person on the Beans, it’s only right that Chris should wear this magnificent ornate crown, traditionally worn by Orthodox Bishops at special events where particularly rich dress is required. Teamed up with a particularly smart t-shirt and some reasonably clean jeans, Chris will look quite the dashing chap around town.
Even though Kev spends most of his time away from the Beans, buffing up his house and re-grouting his doorhandles, his overbearing dictatorial presence is always felt here. This oversized military peaked cap displays just the right sense of pompous boot-stamping authority and will leave the rest of us underlings quaking in our exceptionally stylish hats.
Would all Beans delegates please collect their hats from the cloakroom on the lower ground floor.