2017 State of the Beans Address

Good afternoon. Delegates, please, sit down. Thank you.

My name is Professor Sir Elbert Louche, and it is a great honour to have been invited back to the Beans to deliver this third annual State of the Beans Address.

I and my colleagues at the University of the Internet have analysed the Beans carefully throughout 2016 and subjected our findings to a number of scientific tests, including (but not limited to) dipping them in sulphuric acid, growing samples of them in petri dishes, and of course pushing bits of magnesium into the holes and setting fire to it.

Our findings are not good. A total of 94 posts were made to the Beans in 2016, two fewer than the previous year, and the total number of comments was also down by about 50, standing at 1,383. It goes without saying that this is simply not good enough. For this reason, you will find that there are no complimentary beverages or nibbles at this year’s State of the Beans Address, and the mandatory seminar following this talk will be an actual seminar this year, and not held on a bouncy castle in the main courtyard as before.

Here is the performance of each individual member.

Ian

Ian made 41 posts this year, an improvement of six on his total for both 2014 and 2015. For this reason alone he is the winner of the Beans 2016, and will be the only member not fined a significant amount of money. He also will retain access to the biscuit cupboard in the staff room. Other members will have their keys to the cupboard taken off them.

Chris

Chris made a solid start to 2016, but had a lot to live up to, having scored a bean for every month in 2015. The challenge proved too much for him, and he made only 45 posts, missing out on posting anything at all in December. His personal file has had the word “inadequate” stamped across it in red letters and he should expect to receive anonymous hate mail from myself and the rest of my team for most of the coming year.

Kev

In the early part of 2016 Kev wrote a long and emotional letter to the Beans management, explaining that he was about to spawn a miniature clone of himself and requesting paternity leave. Unfortunately there is no Beans management higher than Kev and the letter remained in the post tray in the office for most of the year. His paternity leave is therefore not considered to have been approved and his total of eight posts this year will not be forgiven lightly. A message has been sent to Changlet asking if he wishes to take over his father’s account.

In summary, then, 2016 was a disappointing year and everybody involved in the Beans has been in some way responsible for these disastrous results, but as Ian has been the least disappointing overall he has won this charming commemorative goblet.

2016 State of the Beans Address

Delegates, please, take your seats. The buffet and free hot drinks will continue to be available during the open seminar at the end of today’s session. There’s no need to push. Settle down, please.

Thank you. Good afternoon. My name is Professor Elbert Louche, and it is my pleasure to have been asked back to deliver this 2016 State of the Beans Address.

The New Beans has now been running for two years, a bold social experiment that has grasped the zeitgeist and undeniably transformed British culture. It has won several awards of its own making. In 2015, 96 posts were made by Beans members – an increase of 14 on the previous year – and 1,430 comments were made, almost double the number made in 2014. This is both impressive and delightful.

Let’s take a look at what each individual Beanist has accomplished.

Chris

This member made a total of 48 posts, precisely four a month, earning him 12 full beans and zero nasty dried peas. Chris continues to be the only member of the Beans pictured in a blue tie, something that he was hoping would catch on but so far hasn’t.

Ian

Historically Pouring Beans’ most reliable contributor, Ian has pus finger to keyboard on 35 occasions, timing those posts carefully to stay within the strict Bean Counter rules, and has also come away with an unbroken run of 12 tasty beans. His attempted catchphrase “sweet petunia!” has, again, failed to gain any traction in the last twelve months.

Kev

A look at the statistics shows that Kev made just 12 posts in 2015, but a more detailed examination of the facts revealed that from August 2015 onwards he has transformed himself from an idle, feckless individual, more interested in refurbishing his domestic environment than sharing the burden of running the UK’s most popular blog site, into someone who has earned the epithet “contributor” and is now a valued member of the team.

In conclusion, it is clear to everyone that Chris and Ian are joint winners this year, that the Beans is incredibly popular and brilliant, and the future holds many more awards for this website that will undoubtedly be bestowed upon it just as soon as we get round to inventing them. Well done.

2015 State of the Beans Address

Good afternoon. Settle down please. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Professor Louche, and it is my privilege to deliver the 2015 State of the Beans Address.

A full analysis of the activities of the last year has been conducted by our team of expert analysts and we are able to describe the current position of the website to within four millimetres.

Summary of the year

In January 2014 The Beans was relaunched with a renewed intent to operate as a blog website with posts and comments and that.

Throughout the year lots of posts were made by everyone, except Kev who was too busy grouting his drainpipes to join in.

Together we have achieved a total of 82 posts and 784 comments, some of which were actually fairly interesting.

Contribution of what individual contributors have contributed

Ian was issued a target of making two, three or four posts per month. He scored ten beans in 2014, having achieved this ten times. He would have scored eleven beans but a terrible problem with the space-time continuum meant that one of his July posts was actually in August. Ian has, however, yet to fill in his Not About Ian page.

Chris was issued a target of making at least four posts per month. He scored six beans, and his normal performance was to make the required number every other month, with a fallow period at other times. Most of his posts had a picture in them. Chris filled in his Not About Chris page with a load of outright lies.

Kev was issued a target of making at least three posts per month, which was revised down from an original target of four. He scored two beans over the course of 2014 because he mostly wasn’t here. We don’t need to discuss whether he filled in the Not About Kev page.

Conclusion

2014 has been a very strong start to the New Beans and Ian has been the winner. Well done everyone.