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After the roaring success of my washing machine repair business, I have been on the lookout for another venture to dip my respective success toes in. I have been inundated with suggestions from fans as to what I can apply my brilliant effortless skills to but nothing seemed quite right. That is until I took a long hard look in the mirror.

“What do you see, Ian?” my subconscious murmured. “What do all your various pairs of eyes see / view / peer etc?”

What I saw that day, I cannot utter again. That image is for m-me and m-me alone. What all you need to know is that I made the grand decision that I would become a fashion guru. I know clothes, and I know people, so it was inevitable that the two would eventually meet. There are a lot of people out there who don’t know how to dress. Why can’t they do it? How hard is it to put clothes on in the morning? Luckily for me though, without these chumble buckets I wouldn’t be in a job.

Using all my knowledge of people and clothes, I will be establish the empire of the 21st century. There will be those who will doubt my prowess and I am more than ready to take on their comments and their egos. There will be those who will make fun of my previous professional career turns, and I can tell you now I am nor will I ever be ashamed of where I came from. Those washing machines were mended with all the love, care and attention I will now be pushing into, erm, denim jackets.

I will be opening up my fashion shop cum studio cum money-spinning franchise in the fashionable area of Benwell, Newcastle upon Tyne. When I reach my first cool hundred mil, which no doubt will be before the end of the year, I will set my sights on the next great style capital of the world; Middlesbrough!

If you need me, make an appointment with my PA.

16 comments on “Fashion Guru

  • I thought about being a fashion guru as well, because I too know clothes and I know people. But then I thought, wait a minute, I know custard and I know people. So I’m now a custard guru. I’ve set up a little boutique in Shoreditch.

  • I like that. Can you tell me why nobody has ever managed a peach melba custard?

  • I tried to manage one once, but it was too disruptive and couldn’t get to work on time so in the end I had to fire it.

  • As you can see, I have delegated much of my custard guru workload to Kev, which means I can still spend plenty of quality time over here with my flute of champagne.

  • It’s about time you married that flute. You’ve kept her waiting far too long. It’s just not on, mate.

  • I’m just saying, man, I’m just saying. I’ve got your best interests at heart, man.

  • No, I annexed them fair and square. Fair. And. Square. When there’s both you have no choice.

  • I did, the one on the Bluecoat roundabout just south of Blackpool.

    I hear they’re opening a new branch at Scotch Corner. That’s just a rumour mind.

  • It’s hearsay extracted from the rumour mines, his spelled it wrong though, should have been ‘a rumour mined’

  • I’ve been mining rumours on and off for the last twenty years. I was the one who dug up the rumour that ice cream was made of haggis juice.

  • I heard a rumour that the person who came up with the haggis juice rumour was hairy on the go. I totally dismissed it because that’s a very rare and special property for someone to have. Turns out I should have listened. I suppose you should always believe what you hear in rumours.

  • I dug up a rumour that Rumours by Fleetwood Mac was based on rumours that Stevie Nicks had heard that I had dug up. It’s all very confusing.

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