It’s incredible, isn’t it? How does he manage to write four different pieces of something every single month? Each time it’s something fresh and interesting, like a butterfly made of marzipan. He’s clearly some kind of journalistic genius and the world is better off for having him.
All of those things about me are completely correct but don’t be fooled, writing is a serious game and one that takes a lot of effort. You think I’m pulling off (wa-hey!) and pulling out (WA-HEY!) these ideas from thin air like they were biscuits on a plate? You don’t think they take their toil on this mortal body? For sure back in the day I was tossing out so many posts that the Big Men had to put a cap on it to keep me at four whereas these days it’s a complicated and messy process.
Let me walk you through an average month:
1st – thank god a new month, thirty odd days with which to play with.
2nd – I should get organised and write one now but there’s still plenty of time left.
3rd – ooo look, Chris has posted something.
4th – there’s probably a weekend coming up so I’ll post something next week.
7th – that was a crap weekend, oh dear, best knock out some nonsense for the website.
8th – ah, another podcast. Let me type my ‘I’ll listen to it tonight’ comment and get back to doing nothing.
9th – I love corn because it goes with everything.
10th – if I run fast enough could I burst through a brick wall?
11th – nobody else remembers ‘Ovide’ the cartoon and that makes me sad.
12th – ooo look, Chris has posted something.
21st – blimey where did the last 9 days go? I’ve not done anything yet. Find a photo, ooo look it’s funny. First post done.
22nd – scan through previous month’s posts and ride the back of something else someone else wrote.
23rd – two in the can, it’s plain sailing now. Time to knock out a ‘Newsboost’ or something tragic that happened to me. Ha ha, hilarious.
24th – ooo look, Chris has posted something.
25th – is Kev going to reach his quota this month? Could that be the basis of one of my posts? Keep it as a back-up for dire times.
26th – DIRE TIMES ARE NOW! Post that mother.
27th – damn, Kev posted again. My post is superfluous. I’m no good at this anymore, even though young me was an arsehole he was so good at doing this.
28th – here’s a random thought, ‘if cakes were alive, would they try to eat themselves?’ Good enough.
29th – sod it, another photo will have to do.
30th – ooo look, Chris has posted something.
So as you can see, it’s not easy doing this month in and also month out. For all those secret readers out there who don’t make their presences known, you are most definitely welcome.
11 comments on “How doo dey doo dat?”
I remember Ovide the cartoon. I think it was about a blue bird with a large beak and a camcorder. The theme tune went “Ovide videooooo!”.
It WAS. So I’m not the only one. He also had a hat, possibly a fedora. And there was a gang. And Channel 4 would only show it at some insane time, such as 6:30am on a Saturday morning.
Yes! A fedora. Great times.
PS. Corn doesn’t go with custard.
I dont remeber Ovide, and im not prepared to google it to job my memory. Could one of you draw me an ascii art approximation and see if that kicks something off?
PS. Corn doesnt go with Biscoff spread either.
Here you go. This took me all week.
PS. Corn doesn’t go with mashed bananas.
^^ This comment deserves some sort of award.
Thank you, this did jog (or job) my memory and made me do an actual google, whereupon I discovered that I kind of do remember it, or at least the opening titles.
PS. Corn doesnt go with choux pastry.
Did you do this or did you mug it from some smaller boy’s homework? Be honest now.
No, I went to a website where you upload a picture and it just makes it. When I said it took me “all week” I actually meant it took me “no effort at all”. I apologise if that subtext wasn’t clear.
So you take a thing, you feed it through a mangle and it comes out like this? Isn’t technology wonderful?
Do Kevin’s face next.
Right you are.
That’s beautiful. Don’t change a thing.