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Newsboost is going to be 11 years old this year. I watched it again recently and I’m still pretty pleased with it now, but back when we made it, it’s fair to say it was the crowning achievement of my life.

Obviously we wanted to do another one, and for a while there was a short-lived plan to follow up the news bulletin Newsboost with a late night current affairs programme called Newsboostnight.

It was going to be a special programme looking in depth at a scandal surrounding The Papples. This was when the only Papples album was “Masterpiece”, and we’d realised that all the songs on that album basically had the same tune.

Since there’s nothing in my life at the moment, and I have nothing much to write about, I thought I’d post the three pages of script that were written for Newsboostnight so you can enjoy them.

NEWSBOOSTNIGHT

TITLE SEQUENCE

Clips of politicians, wars, other big world events, newsprint, etc. with jiggy transitions. Orchestral news music with guitars (think, er, Newsnight). Eventually it resolves into a purple version of the Newsboost logo, now re-titled Newsboostnight.

INTRODUCTION

Wide shot of the studio, lights come up, then in to a one shot. The set is lit in purple this time.

CHRIS
Good evening and welcome to Newsboostnight, I’m Chris Marshall. Tonight, a special report. As the rock band The Papples await the verdict in what could be one of the most expensive copyright cases in British legal history, we look back at the highs and lows of their career.

He looks down and to the side, like he’s looking at a monitor and waiting for the report to begin. After a few seconds, we cut to a camera where the monitor should be and he continues.

CHRIS
Kevin Hill reports.

He pulls a lever under the desk, which wasn’t visible before but can be seen from this low angle. As soon as he pulls it we cut away to the start of the report.

REPORTER INTRO

Kev is in a street, walking towards the camera, like all reporters do.

KEV
They are one of the most popular and influential bands in music history. Just mention their name – the Papples – and a string of hit records springs immediately to mind. From stadium rock anthem “Wanna Ah” to the anthemic “M-me Y-you”, to the heart-rending ballad “And the Eggs”, their music has defined a generation. Now, the music world is in shock as they stand accused of having only one melody, and of stealing that melody from someone else. Tonight we offer a retrospective of the Papples’ career, and ask: what does the future hold for the golden childs of music?

Kev has now walked so far that he is right up to the camera with his FEACE in the lens.

MONTAGE OF INTERVIEW CLIPS

All these will be people we see interviewed in greater depth later.

MAN
We are talking about musical genius here.

ANOTHER
The Papples ARE music – it’s that simple.

SOMEONE
I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the end of the British music industry, to be honest. The Papples accused of fraud? Everything else in music history is just a footnote now.

REPORTER OUTSIDE HOUSE

Kev is standing on the steps of a building, talking to camera.

KEV
This is obviously a huge event for those involved in making and selling music. But who are the elusive Papples? I’ve come to speak to the world’s leading authority – the Papples’ biographer, C James Marshall.

He goes in through the front door.

BIOGRAPHER’S HOUSE

Kev interviews the biographer. This interview is so informal that Chris is actually cooking beans on toast as they talk.

CHRIS
To really understand the Papples, I think you have to realise how they started out. Having met at school in Leeds, the two of them began to make a living as John Smeaton impersonators.

KEV
John Smeaton?

CHRIS
An eighteenth century civil engineer who was from the same part of Leeds as them. They would go to parties dressed as eighteenth century civil engineers and build a replica of, say, the Eddystone Lighthouse. But they only really started to make money when they added music to their act.

KEV
Was that when they got their break?

CHRIS
Exactly. They were invited to impersonate the construction of Poole Harbour at a record company executive dinner and were signed on the spot when the harbour wall gave way and one of them sang “M-me Y-you” to fill the silence.

KEV
Does their background change their attitude to music, do you think?

CHRIS
Of course. I interviewed them for their biography, Life is Like a Papple Pie, and their approach to music is like that of a civil engineer. Very precise. Very solid. Once something has been done it cannot be changed.

We see a shot of the book cover as it is mentioned.

KEV
Do you think all their songs share the same melody?

CHRIS
I’ve never noticed.

At the end of the script are some more ideas for what would come later:

  • “Technogosh” as Kraftwerk – both at keyboards – Ian is actually playing his, Chris just presses one key that goes “Gosh”.
  • Wasting my Life being played back in the recording studio – first a session of arguing about how to provide musical accompaniment, then a compromise where they decide to make separate songs, and then playback of the finished item with music first and the singing afterwards completely dry.

17 comments on “Newsboostnight

  • You would have been in it, and you’d have stolen the show, what with your three (3) drama certificates. You’d have blown the rest of us away.

  • I found them today when I was sorting some stuff out. They really aren’t worth the paper they’re (rather nicely) printed on but I am going to keep them. They will prove their worth one day, some day (some day).

  • You are more qualified for this role than Donald Trump is to be US President. I’m sure you’d wing it just as well as me and Chris usually do.

    You’re solid performance in ‘Superzeroes’ still brings a tear to my eye whenever I see it.

  • Even Reuben still talks about by stunning effort in ‘Superzeroes’. It was the role of a lifetime and I thank Bruce Campbell that I was picked above everyone else.

  • Thanks guys #matesquared

    I hope to one day be good enough to act my way into the background of a live television news broadcast.

  • You can do it, my friend. Just go to wherever a news is happening, put on your best acting arm flails, and stride into shot with confidence.

  • There you go. Learn from the Moz. Except anything whatsoever to do with his political views. Don’t learn from that. Just learn from the arms.

  • Yeah. Like I say, just learn from the arms. His arms have never said anything completely reprehensible, unless you also have a link that lists all the dreadful things his arms have said, in which case I will have to modify my advice yet again.

  • I don’t think that there is one but I am pretty sure that I could come up with one if that’s what you’re really asking…

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