These are dangerous times. Terrorism is literally everywhere. Just yesterday I had to take the bins out when the bin bags were only half full because they had terrorists hiding in them. Last Thursday, I went back to a tub of half-eaten strawberry yogurt in the fridge and found that terrorists had eaten the rest of it.
To the untrained eye, everything is normal here in the safe, fairytale world of The Beans. Posts keep appearing, obscure in-jokes keep being mentioned, and everything seems normal.
But everything is not normal.
If you look closely at the most recent comments, you’ll see a theme. You’ll see that they are all by me and Ian. Why? Where is Kev?
The only sensible conclusion is that Kev’s login details have been hacked by terrorists and are now being used to terrorise innocent people. It’s possible that Kev himself has now been infiltrated, and is being used to spread fear and terror. Who knows – it might have been Kev who broke into my fridge and ate my yogurt. I think it probably was. The bastard.
This must stop, and I propose a two-step plan.
The first step is that we must improve our security systems, and for this reason both Ian and myself are being issued with black briefcases containing complicated equipment and wires and flashing LED displays with numbers on them. These form part of a new high-security login system to make sure that our login details are never compromised by the forces of terror, and also look really cool like we’re in a film.
The second step is that we will destroy Kev in a controlled explosion in a field near Bracknell this Friday afternoon. I know this will not be popular, particularly with Kev himself, but I think he would have to agree that it is for the good of the nation.
All those in favour, please raise your hand in the comments section.
25 comments on “Security”
My hand is firmly down on the matter.
As was recently reported, I have now retired from the endless home improvement business, Chang Towers will continue to operate as the North’s premier visitor attraction, but my time is now being inexorably hoovered up by The Little Dude(TM).
I trust this is an acceptable account of my current lack of presence, and there will be no further talk of blowing me up.
*raises hand earnestly and hops up and down in seat like a school child who will spontaneously self combust if not picked to answer question*
What about if we just blow up some of you,Kev?
Have some fun with this Ian.
Which Ian? Is there more than one? Oh God.
I like penguins.
Which bits, well, I suggest we throw it out to the “millions” of Pouring Beans fans to suggest which bits would be best.
Any suggestions? Anyone?
Can we postpone having some fun with this Ian until we’ve decided whether or not to blow up that Kev?
Personally I think blowing up just some of Kev is a good compromise. Clearly we need to blow up the parts that have been infiltrated by terrorists. Can anyone identify which parts those are?
Of course. I mean if there’s another Kev that you’d like to blow up then say the word. Let’s not give this Kev the monopoly of being blown up when there are so many others out there.
Should we just blow up all Kev’s to be sure?
You can’t be too careful where terrorism is involved.
The way I see it, once you’ve blown one to smithereens (great word) then you may as well carry on with the rest.
It’d be like having a slice of pie and not putting the rest in your face hole immediately afterwards.
Which face hole? There are many.
The left ear. A personal favourite of mine.
While you are talking about pie I have just approved the order for all Kevs worldwide to be destroyed in a series of controlled explosions as soon as possible.
The world is a safer place.
Did you start in Brussels?
(Sorry. Too soon.)
Let’s break up this static tension with an unrelated Nintendo joke.
How do you get Pikachu on the bus?
I don’t know. How do you get Pikachu on the bus?
Thank you. The silence was getting terribly awkward.
And the crowd goes wild!
I’m so glad we could share this moment together. I’ve got the shivering chins.
Is the lack of comments recently the result of an outbreak of the shivering chins among the Beans Massive?
I’m certainly feeling the burn, as in freezer burn. In short, yes.
Let’s hope there’s a cure. This place is deader than something that’s very dead in some sort of dead place, like a graveyard, or maybe a greenhouse where nobody’s watered the plants for a year.
It’s because Kev gave everyone crabs. Nobody called the Sell Me Crabs hotline so he forced them upon us all anyway.
Also I’ve been having an affair with Mickey Mouse and bad steaks.
I tried calling it but it put me on hold for ten minutes and the instrumental of some Status Quo song Kev loves drove me mad and I had to hang up.