It’s that time of year again, again? Of course it is. What you want is festive and huggable and bright and THRUST right into your face. Christmas is an epidemic but it’s the loveliest epidemic you’ll ever meet.
Times are hard though. If you thought 2020 was bad then meet the end of 2022, a harbinger of doom and fifth horseman of the apocalypse, handing out lessons by the fistful. Now, more than ever™, you need a helping hand to get through this marathon of monetary madness. Luckily we have our relative financial expert, Bartin Bewis, on hand to offer his guidance, support and “award-winning” money-saving tips to ease yourself out of December, through January and into the warm embrace of February.
In order to reach its full potential, you need to decorate your house in everything that has the smallest bit of sparkle. If you run out of tinsel and glitter, get the spare bits of cutlery out and shine a torch on them from your window. Save money on tree decorations by getting the kids to make them out of whatever you can find in the recycling bin. If it looks like a donkey shat it out, merely tell your friends and loved ones that it means more than little Timmy and Julie made them rather than some corporate whore machine, spitting out baubles made of baby’s tears.
What you want is a non-traditional Christmas dinner; leave the turkeys and the hams in the supermarket for the chumps, what you want is a rabbit stew. If you have wild rabbits living nearby to your house, set traps up in strategic places and you don’t even need to pay for the main ingredient. Some terminal wanker living on your street will have ‘foraging’ as one of their hobbies so beat some herbs out of them to avoid a trip to Asda and a few hours stuck in a bush trying to work out the one stalk or leaf that won’t give everyone diarrhoea. If you’re living in a less rural area, well, that neighbour’s cat keeps pooping in your garden so perhaps it’s time to even the score? Once you garnish it up and add a bunch of spices, nobody will be able to tell the difference anyway. Really struggling? Use your own pets and replace them in the new year. It will give the kids an understanding about death that their school could only hope of teaching them.
If you’ve been observant over the year, pick out the five toys, things, items of clothing or whatever else you have noticed that hasn’t been used too much. When the mark, sorry, loved one is out of the house, go and put it somewhere they’ll never find it. Wrap it up and present them with it on Christmas Day. Hopefully they’ll have forgotten they already own it. If they call your bluff, make a point of telling them that you spent good money on that train / aftershave / skirt the first time around and to have to bear witness to it being neglected over and over was too much to bear, so this lesson of being thankful for what you’ve already got IS the present this year. If it’s still not working, throw a bowl of nuts on the floor and spend the evening crying in your bedroom with the door locked. Make sure to secret a six pack of beer and some sandwiches in the wardrobe so you have something to do in-between sobs.
A lifetime’s worth of tips there, ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to use them wisely.
11 comments on “Christmas Beans”
Baby’s tears really do make the shiniest baubles though.
I’m not going round to Ian’s for Christmas. It sounds awful. And possibly lethal.
I didn’t take all of the ideas for this Christmas, only some. It’s all about being creative and seeing what you can get away with. After all, Charles Dickens’ famous story is all about bullying rich people into giving to the poor. Christmas is all about cutting corners, right?
Absolutely. If you haven’t reduced it to a bargain basement, knock-off celebration, then what exactly are you celebrating at Christmas time? Round our house we skipped Christmas dinner, and instead we just put the big light on and everyone had a bag of crisps in front of Eastenders.
Your Christmas would appear to four tenths of the population of the UK. Very marketable. Throw in a Toblerone at the end and you’ve got solid gold, mate.
In what way did we appear to four tenths of the population? I’d like to think they all simultaneously had a vision, like an out of body experience, looking down on us as we sat there, slowly eating our Salt ‘n’ Shake in front of the telly.
I’ve not appeared to four tenths of the population. I hope you haven’t been exposing yourself again.
You’d have to ask four tenths of the population what they saw. I can’t be held responsible if they psychically tuned in while I was untying my dressing gown.
Someone has an elevated opinion of themselves. I knew you were toxic but not to the point of egotistical, Christopher.
I can’t help it if builders and van drivers wolf whistle as I walk by.
Personally, half of it is jealously and half of it is disgust.