User avatarDear Beans… Keen Conundrum

Dear Beans,

Let me start by saying that of all the people in the world, I’ve seen keen. I’ve also seen eager, yearning, longing and a level of impatience that put impatience on the map. The map of keen.

The other day though, well, it’s hard to put into words exactly what happened. There was a press release for the new anti-matter water, the third kind of water, that is due to hit shelves in the next few weeks. The sheer volume of hysterical people hit an all time high. Most of the time the level of keen can be read in the face (eyes, mouth, cheek bones etc.) but as soon as these monkeys saw the article their whole bodies were keen. Have you ever seen a keen elbow? A keen shin? I have and I’m worried that now there is nowhere else for keen to go.

By keeping it primarily in the viso/volto it kept keen under control. This is a whole new set of rules for keen and I don’t think the human race is ready for it.

What on earth should we do?

Yours worriedly

Flanpax Moonio

14 comments to Dear Beans… Keen Conundrum

  • Flanpax,
    I think that perhaps you’re ‘KeenMeter’ may need re-calibrating, it is not in fact possible for areas outside of the aforementioned viso/volto to be keen. Having said that it is common for other areas of the body to be found to be fervent, fierce or avid. However, to effectively measure this you would need to purchase the recently released ‘Vehementometer’.

  • Dear Flanpax,

    Are you related to a guy called Winplix Moonio? He was in my class in primary school.

    Warm regards,


  • Dear Flanpax

    The real question is, “when are we?”

    Stubbornly yours


  • Dear Flanpax,

    Are you going to write back or are we all just wasting high quality sheets of Basildon Bond writing paper here?

    Thriftily yours,


  • I have been asked to interpret and communicate the responses by Flanpax.

    He’s not related to that guy. He doesn’t own a Keen-o-meter. He’s got a big garden.

  • Dear Ian,

    If you’re in touch with Flanpax by other means, why did you just write him a letter with a question in it?

    Yours inquisitively,


  • What I do is keep the lines of communication open between Beans members and the general public. How else would they get in touch?

  • They could visit the Beans in person and grovel before us in the Throne Room.

    That is, if Kev isn’t still using it to store his ladders.

  • He’s got so many ladders, you’d think he was climbing up to the moon. He’s got more ladders than I’ve had hot dinners. The last time I went to the Throne Room there was more ladders than room.

  • Wait until you next visit the Chapel Vestry. It’s so full of cement mixers you can hardly open the door.

  • What does he need so much cement for? What’s he adding to / taking away / building on top of now?

  • You know what he’s like. He always mixes up at least three batches of cement and then uses whichever one he thinks has turned out best. The other two he pours down the sink.

  • If only he was as considerate with his cups of tea as he was his batches of cement. What a waste.

    Steve Martin would be horrified.

  • Steve Martin can never know of it. That’s why I bricked up his letterbox. I’m pretty sure he has no other way of obtaining new information.

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