User avatarFour Word Reviews: ‘Til Their Eyes Shine

I started these reviews when I got sent a Wang Chung album as a joke, and Kev and Sarah had just reviewed a Papples album in this format, and I thought it was a fun thing to do with a CD I’d been sent. Then more CDs started arriving. But I never thought we’d end up here. The CDs that arrived were just crap albums, and I would write reviews of how amusingly bad they were. Until now. Now I’ve been sent… I mean, what is this? It’s called “‘Til Their Eyes Shine: The Lullaby Album”. It’s a 1992 charity compilation of slow, snoozy numbers by female artists that will supposedly put a child to sleep, though for my taste half are too lively for that and the rest are too disturbing.

Am I being punished, somehow? Is this horrendous mush the price I pay for some indiscretion I committed? I don’t know. I just know it was awful.

My thoughts on this album are influenced by two extra factors. One is that I listened to it while scanning in a stack of pictures, so the noise of the scanner got in the way of it a bit, and given that it’s supposed to be relaxing sleep music, it was a bit of a shame I had to keep turning up the volume and blast it out just to hear it. The second is that I listened to it just before I started the first of a run of nightshifts. What I needed was to stay awake through the night, for about 16 hours after listening to this, so the fact it’s an album of lullabies hardly seems fair.

In the end I stayed awake without any problems at all, so it turns out these lullabies aren’t much cop.

Track Title Word 1 Word 2 Word 3 Word 4
1 Carrie (by Rosanne Cash) Intergalactic themed Country crooning
2 Child of Mine (by Emmylou Harris) Neither Guns nor Roses
3 Dún du Shúile (by Maura O’Connell) Floaty and in Irish
4 To A Child (by Laura Nyro) Like a jazzy Sade
5 Lullaby for a Doll (by Kate and Anna McGarrigle) Downright creepy doll chat
6 Nayib’s Song (by Gloria Estefan) Rejected Lion King ballad
7 Go to Sleep (by Deniece Williams) Falling asleep or dying?
8 If I Didn’t Have You to Wake Up To (by Carole King) Genuinely nauseating. Help me
9 Dream (by Brenda Russell) Overwrought slow synthy mush
10 Sail Away (by Dionne Warwick) Releasing child in boat
11 Dreamland (by Mary-Chapin Carpenter) More dreadful bloody Country

My overall conclusion is that this is an album of all the kinds of music I’d least like to hear: slow country ballads, mushy sentimental female singer-songwriter stuff from the late 80s, that sort of thing. I don’t know what the exact definition of a “lullaby” actually is, but I’m not convinced that a single one of these songs qualifies.

Some tracks are bizarre. Track 8 asks “who’d take my troubles and put them in bubbles?”. Track 6 – which is apparently Gloria Estefan, though you could have fooled me – is halfway between the Lion King and a Belinda Carlisle B-side, and has the highly improbable chorus line “it’s an ongoing process”. But the worst is track 5, “Lullaby for a Doll”.

Lullaby for a Doll is the stuff of nightmares. Actual nightmares. Sung in low, breathy tones, it describes playing with lifelike dolls as a child – complete with detailed descriptions of how their eyes were hinged so they opened when the doll sat up and closed when it lay down – and then about having a daughter who was like a doll who came to life. There’s a passage in the middle about growing up and getting yourself a dentist. It was deeply unsettling, and I was glad I wasn’t going to bed after listening to it. I wrote down the thing I involuntarily said out loud when it finished, slightly in shock from the horrors of it, which was “that was the creepiest load of old shit I’ve ever heard in my life”.

In summary, then, the worst thing about this album is that, if you ever tried to get a child to sleep with it, they’d grow up a psychotic murderer. The best thing is that the CD is badly scratched and in several places it started skipping and making alarming bursts of white noise. Those bits were the most enjoyable parts for me.

14 comments to Four Word Reviews: ‘Til Their Eyes Shine

  • Wow. I wonder who it is who keeps sending these things to you. They clearly have some kind of vendetta. Give us the list of everyone you’ve macked off recently.

  • No, it’s been happening for years. It must be someone I macked off years ago.

  • Someone you macked off years ago… could it be someone from the Character Hatch (TM)? Eefie McJeefie perhaps?

  • I think you’ll find his name is EEFY McJEEFY. The capitals are very important. You’ve probably macked him off now. If you start getting terrible CDs in the post that’ll be why.

  • It’s exactly what I deserve for such a despicable act of heartlessness. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry Beefy McJeefy.

    But who then is persecuting you?

  • Well. Thinking about this, the CDs started arriving in late 2015, so it has to be someone I macked off back then, hasn’t it? So the question is who, in the long list of people I’ve macked off over the years, did I mack off then?

    I don’t know.

  • I looked back at posts in late 2015, because I don’t do remembering very well; do you remember your Four Pounds post? About the fact that you were charged for postage and then some berks’ girlfriend brought it to you? Maybe it was the postman who never got to deliver your Ebay item (oooooooo).

  • That or the berk himself, aggrieved that his postal extortion racket was rumbled. Yeah. And the CDs all arrive in the post, so it all ties together. Must be him.

    What a berk. I bet he loves Suggs. He’s just the type.

  • I bet he’s all about the Suggs. I bet he’s got a group and they’re called the Suggs Thugs. His shop is Suggs Rugs and he sells bad carpets.

  • That’s almost certainly true. I can’t imagine a world where that’s not true.

    Anyway. Has anyone else listened to “Lullaby for a Doll” yet? I feel like I shouldn’t be the only one who has to suffer that horrifying experience.

  • Nay. I did have a copy but umm I seem to have misplaced it. You’ll have to do all the listening for us.

  • If you really wanted to hear it you could listen to it on the internet. I’m pretty sure of that.

  • Nope, I’ve looked and nobody is streaming it.

    You know, you should start a Twitter account with the information and songs and… oh no wait, wrong person. Never mind.

  • My looking is better than your looking, because my looking produced this.

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