“What is this?” you may ask yourself, whilst sitting next to a roaring fire with a brandy in the your hand. I know that this is the way that Chris normally spends his evening and, thus, I assume everyone does the same. What you are staring at is a book, one of those things with words in that people store on shelves to look intelligent. It’s a book by a man and it was written some time ago. You can tell that because the picture on the front looks like it was from the 1970’s (although according to Wikipedia it was written in 1986).
Now it’s not that it is a bad story. It’s a very short story and interesting enough to keep your attention for the hour or so you will spend reading it. It is, however, not worth reading a second time. Here’s the plot:
Tom is a boy. One evening he comes across a lion eating sausages in his back garden. Nobody believes him (a la The Boy who Cried Wolf) and so he tries to track the lion down so that he can prove everyone, including his parents, his peers and the teachers at his school, that he is telling the truth. The lengths that Tom goes to to prove this are quite remarkable; in this most modern of nows right now, as in now 2018, he would have given up and gone back to playing Puzzle Blox or whatever bollocks was currently trending at the time on his I-Pad. That said, the ending is pretty flaccid. Despite what a comment on the back of the book says (hilariously “the climax is breathtaking!”) he finds the lion, parades it around in front of everyone to show he isn’t a liar and then the owner turns up to take it back. That’s it, about seventy odd pages. It is a kid’s book so nobody expected it to be the length of ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King.
The reason Kev bought it for me was due to the ridiculous title. It would be easy to think that it was some kind of porno without the picture of the child trying to entice a lion, tucking away on a string of sausages. I read this while I was donating platelets at the blood clinic. The nurse who was keeping an eye on me couldn’t believe that such a book did exist and, as I pointed out to her also, I did not know it existed until it arrived in a padded envelope through my front door.
Would I recommend it? No. Would I read it again? No. Would I say it’s a bad book? No. I give it a hearty two stars out of five; it loses a third star for not including a lion made of sausages. The title is very misleading. One of these days I may write a book called Tom’s Sausage Lion which will include a lion made of sausages. It’s a work in progress.
12 comments on “Tom’s Sausage Lion”
I like the sound of a sausage lion. It hints at the possibility of a whole breakfast safari. You could also have a bacon zebra, an elephant egg and a herd of baked wildebeens.
That RIGHT there is a million pound idea waiting to happen. Quick, delete that message so we can get the IP secured and start working on sketches.
What if I threw in a slice of fried zebread?
I’ve already got my biro out (waaaaaaaay!) so there’s no need for any bribes.
Looking forward to seeing the first of these sketches. I am expecting them to be: majestic.
Funnily enough, they may turn up in the January sales edition of the Beans, where everyone can grab a bargain!
Hooray! Everyone loves a Full English Safari to set them up for a day out shopping.
Even though I had almost a fortnight off, I did not do anything about this. What a wet lemon. I hope to rectify such an egregious (I cannot spell this word to save my life) act this weekend.
Oh god, really? In two weeks? I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an extensively moistened citrus.
You’ll be pleased to know that wet lemons will feature heavily in the planned future filth.
Great. Scores of hot wet lemons, sliding lasciviously in and out of all sorts of citric crevices.
There’s nothing I can add to what could possibly be the dirtiest thing I’ve ever read.