Yes, the moment you have all been waiting for is finally here. I know that I have asked a lot recently but the fact that you’ve all waited patiently means so much to me as a writer and a human being / doing.
Despite what some people have been spreading rumours about on here, as we and all the diehard fans know, ‘Three Shits to the Wind: The Secret Bathroom Attendant Within Me (M-Me)’ was a so-called spin-off book written by my old personal assistant and is not an official book in my ongoing series of self-help books. A hack can come in various different forms and there is nothing more hacky than passing yourself off as a competent author whilst releasing third-rate knock-off nonsense. Why settle for a mouse on toast when you could have the real thing right here, prime rib in your eyes? Disgusting behaviour.
The real deal. El trato real. La vraie affaire.
The name of my new book about to be released within the next week is ‘We: The New You’. Let me explain.
I have received letters from so many fans asking me to write a self-help book for those who have led multiple lives and may have multiple personalities within themselves. They can’t possibly use the assistance from my other multi award-winning volumes so it was only right that they have their time in the sun. Naturally I know that this will not be useful to everyone but as with my other New York Times’ best-selling books, even if you think you can’t learn anything new there’s bound to be something in there that will help you lead a better life. I guarantee it*
As well as that, ‘we’ can be applied to so many things: the royal ‘we’, ‘we’ as in couples, ‘we’ as in dogs and their owners, ‘we’ are in people living together etc. There are so many applications that it’s now my biggest book yet, literally; over one thousand pages of pure gold and at a low, low price of only £24.99 for the hardback and (coming in November) £17.99 for the paperback you can’t possibly go wrong. I’m not giving you this advice, I’m giving it to you for a reasonable price. I want you all to believe in yourselves and work through your problems in a safe and healthy environment, an environment full of hope and love and credenzas and little bowls filled with grapes and waterloo pumpkins.
*not guaranteed.
8 comments on “Ian’s new book (new)”
I’ve spoken to your publisher. We’re having the entire run stacked onto pallets and stored in the old Mackerson’s Warehouse down by the docks. I’m sure nothing bad will come of them there.
Something about that doesn’t sound quite right but nothing has ever gone wrong with your plans before so I’m going to allow this.
Nothing about this plan will go wrong. It’s been carefully planned and it’s being executed with great precision.
Anyway, changing the subject entirely, Old Jimbleson’s Warehouse next door is taking a major delivery of aviation fuel tomorrow, which will be packed in wicker baskets.
That sounds safe. I hear wicker baskets is the best way to transport aviation fuel, second only to the mighty prawn crackers.
Now you mention it, Old Bimbleton’s Warehouse over the way is having a bonfire to celebrate their booming prawn cracker storage business. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
Do they have fireworks? It wouldn’t be the same without fireworks. A nice way to celebrate my new book.
There’s plenty of fireworks at Old Boggington’s Fireworks Stand, which is usually on the street corner between Old Jimbleson’s Warehouse full of aviation fuel and Old Mackerson’s Warehouse full of your books.
Ahhh, everything sounds great. I only hope nobody lights a naked flame between all of this delightful business.