When I get given a job to do I ensure that I do it to the best of my abilities. Yes, this sound like a job application but I will have you know that as IP McMackers, 2018’s most stunning new trendsetter, I take my role very seriously. People are relying on me to tell them what the new things (THINGS!) will be not only now but in the very near future. If you are going to stay ahead of the other sheep then you need to know what’s happening on the street, and if that were a little bit snappier than it would be my motto.
Check it. So what’s new? What’s in? What’s out? Do they still shake it all about? Here’s the rundown for all you clowns:
- Fashion – built-up domingo trousers are out and red felt jumpers are in. If you’re seen wearing a crimson woolly pull over then you will be in seventh heaven, baby. Catch two sock akenfolds round the ankles and it’ll seal the deal in a wigwam. Chas Henry was caught trying to sneak into a club in a skin-tight elephant bold trio top and was snapped by the paparazzi; how embarrassing!
- TV – the latest now is actually yesterday. Repeats of old television programmes are flying under the radar however soon to hit the top of the schedules. An episode of ‘Follyfoot’ from 1972 last week received thirty five million viewers, mainly because people got confused and were tuning in to watch the ‘Bellew vs Usyk’ fight and instead were treated to a gentle children’s drama about horses. Risqué comedy ‘Calamity Trousers’, banned for the last twenty years or so due to questionable jokes about men’s genitalia, has also seen a rise in viewing figures;
- Art – he may be known mainly for his poetry but Arthur “Lemon” Lemonson has strode well and truly into the 21st century with his art emporium ‘Wicked Snakepipe’, located in the more fashionable section of Hampstead Heath. Along with works of his own, he has recently displayed a number of stunning pieces by etiquette lesbian Jemima Quandry, foible godfather Ronny Biglake and genius water feature Romily Snaft. The current gallery hosts an exhibition about the struggles of cleaning a sieve and why pineapples struggle with karaoke;
- Film – look away into the distance as the pull of New Zealand cinema is strong during the latter half of 2018. The seminal three hour documentary ‘Loincloth’, winner of three Sundance awards already, about the demise of the one fashionable item of clothing, is about to hit key cinemas around the country in the coming weeks. You are strongly advised to book your tickets now because this is going to be an onslaught of a film. Critically acclaimed drama ‘Your Fingernails are Uncanny’, following the slow degeneration of an office worker and how she struggles to cope with typing at 50 words a minute or more, will be sweeping down in the UK just this side of Christmas. Finally shock comedian Bawdy Moonpacket’s fifth foray into cinema, ‘Saucepan Solar Eclipse’, will be edging its way towards you like a woodlouse on a mission at the beginning of December. Following a full 40 minutes being removed from the original director’s cut, it has been able to secure an 18 certificate to allow it to be shown in UK cinema. You’ll thank me for this one.
So there you go.
As well as this, to get ahead of the crowds, perhaps you’ve got this weekend free? If so, dip down to Doncaster where the latest sport, sheep flipping , is taking place. Can you turn a sheep 360 degrees in mid-air and have it land on its feet? Would you like the opportunity to find out?
That’s all you need right now to show how much you are right on the fashions. I will be back again soon to lead you up the garden path of trend, like the angry daschund I am.
23 comments on “Mackers – International Trendsetter”
I just bought a job lot of built-up domingo trousers. What am I meant to do with them now?
Sell them to Kev. He can use them as loft insulation in the North Wing. He’s been trying to plug a hole for weeks
The shipment arrived yesterday. Turns out I accidentally ordered a job lot of Calamity Trousers on Betamax. Absolutely useless for loft insulation. Gutted.
Oh mate, mate, I don’t know what to say. Were you drunk? Were you ill?
I was illin’, that’s for sure. I thought it was bad then. But this has opened up a whole new level of illin’ that I didn’t think was even possible until now.
I did wonder why my chillin’ levels were higher than usual. If you’d have told me I could, we could, wait, no I could have done something.
Kev is too busy shanking his wooden overalls to help with a problem of this magnitude.
He is. Plus, this is the sort of issue where we neither need nor are three. There can only be chillin’ and illin’. There is no third state. Presumably Kev is in a kind of stateless limbo right now.
That would explain his face #kevzingerz
BAM. Kev’s face doesn’t know what’s hit it.
Actually, wait, no. Don’t hit his face. If you hit his face he’ll be illin’, and then I won’t be illin’ any more, and then I won’t know what I am.
We don’t want you being sucked into the void of nothingness, the stateless peak of limbo. Let’s keep Kev there for as long as we can. I’ll hit a photo of his face instead.
Would you like to crack off a couple of zingers whilst I’m doing that?
Funny you mention a “stateless peak of limbo”. I heard that’s what Kev’s hair was named by his stylist.
BAM! Or, should I say: ZING!
Whammer whammer, mamma jammer! I bet he felt that one. It’s so good I expect he’ll be feeling it for hours to come.
He might have felt it. But only if he came and had a swift glance at the Beans, and let’s face it, he was here over the summer so he’s not due back until 2020.
ZING-A-LING! That’s gotta hurt!
He’ll feel it so much his currently unborn Changlet will feel it.
I’ve run out of zingers now, actually, so I’m just using up the last few sound effects I have in this Kwik Save carrier bag.
I’ve never whopped anything, except a whopper. Can you whop a whopper? Is that even a verb?
“Hey guys, I’ll have to skip the early tea. I whopped a whopper on the way here so I’m good for a couple of hours.”
I’m pretty sure there’s a song that goes “a whop bop a loo-wham, a whop bam boom”. That should make the situation a bit clearer.
There is, and I know what that song is, but do you know what that song is?
Yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s the theme tune to Gladiators, as sung by John Fashanu.
“Have you seen the power… OF THE GLADIATORS?”
or is it
“Can you feel the power… OF THE GLADIATORS?”
It’s: “Shall we feel the power… OF THE GLADIATORS? Yes we shall. A whop bop a loo-wham, a whop bam boom”.
“Have you cleaned the grout… FOR THE GLADIATORS?”
Yeah. But you need the “whop bop a loo-wham, a whop bam boom” on the end. Just like Fash sang it.