Avatar Newsboost – Withering Wasps now Wanted Windfall

New shock discovery by scientists set to change the world’s opinion of one of the most hated animals in existence; the wasp.

Wasps have somewhat of a reputation as a bit of a bad thing. What do they do? They get in your way, they sting you, steal your jam sandwich and run away laughing (or presumably, they don’t make a lot of noise). Now it seems as though the tide may be turning and their time in the sun is coming.

Scientists studying the animals in Bulgaria, in conjunction with ancient medical texts from Greece, have come across a startling revelation. It would appear as though the ancient Greeks actively used them in their daily routine and ‘face wasps’ were used to cleanse and tone. The book in question, ‘To anthrópino sóma: énas éfchristos odigós’ (or ‘The human body: a handy guide’) by Tony Agafya, details a recipe of clay, sand, ash and wasps which was apparently utilised to refresh on a daily basis. The user would cover a nest of yet more wasps in the concoction, transfer it to a small room (such as a cupboard), cover their face in honey and wait for the wasps to descend on them. Later advances in technology resulted in the ‘voúrtsa sfíkas’ or ‘wasp brush’, a small brush with around fifty wasps glued to it. The user would dip the brush in the mixture and apply directly to the face.

Originally when the text was translated in the 19th century it was thought to refer to ‘face wash’. This egregious error has put the human-wasp relations back several hundred years.

“It is quite an eye-opener,” said Melody Humbunkle, chief scientist at the Klonditch Klinger institute in Sofia, Bulgaria. “All this time we were using natural products to clean our faces when one of the main ingredients was missing. This will change everything.”

Since the report was issued, the major skincare companies have been scrambling to develop the first product to incorporate wasps as an active ingredient. Representatives from Lancome, Garnier and even Johnson and Johnson were seen desperately bidding for wasp farms on the open market, a market which was once seen as lucrative and pointless.

“The ancient practises of the Greeks are merely a starting point; we do not advise the public to start smothering their chops in sticky substances in the hope of attracting wasps,” remarked John Disspale, regional secretary for the department of Health and Social Care in the UK. “It would be best to wait for a safe product made by a professional company.”

Specialists predict that even with the lockdown in place, the first wasp face wash will be available on the high street within a month’s time.

14 comments on “Newsboost – Withering Wasps now Wanted Windfall

  • I thought that – following the podcast where we established that wasps produce chutney – we’d unearthed all the secrets of waspkind. This is incredible news, and shows evidence of scientific greatness and also of Google Translate.

  • It DOES, doesn’t it? That Translate was Googled the chuff right out of it. It’s a good job we all have fingers and know things (shame I don’t know Greek).

    We need to re-evaluate the concept of wasps. It’s a wasp-olution.

  • Wasp-olution is obviously a shorter way of saying “wasp solution”, but I’m having trouble working out whether it refers to an answer based around wasps or whether it’s more to do with wasps dissolved in water.

  • Wasp-olution was supposed to be a revolution about wasps but it could also be the product the companies come up with.

    It’s that rare breed, a word with a triple meaning: a wasp revolution, a solution involving wasps and a water-based wasp solution used for cleansing the viso/volto.

  • Has there ever been a clever wasp-olution that brought an end to a violent wasp-olution caused by a shortage of wasp-olution?

  • Now that the words exist there’s every chance of that happening. In fact I wouldn’t bee shocked if there’s a headline over the next few months reporting on that very incident.

  • It’s so certain that I’ve already made a start on a series of vlogs analysing it. I’m going to be a high-rollin’ Youtuber before long. I’ll invite you to my yacht sometimes.

  • We’re ahead of the curve, we’re leading the game, skipping past Mr Whimsy with a wry smile and a plate of hash browns.

  • I’m too good for a lot of things, including – but not limited to – tangerines, playing the spoons, queuing for fairground rides, speaking Hungarian and sprouts.

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