The newest issue of ‘Magic Monthly’ has rated every kind or type of wizard in the modern world and it has left several feeling slightly embarrassed. The magazine had been threatening to do this for the last few months and it seems as if September, following a summer of misery for fantasy and everything else in general, was the best time to unleash it.
It will come as no surprise to regular readers of the periodical that the usual crowd occupied the top five spots: magicians, mages, wizards of light, wizards of power and Dynamo in no particular order. In a shock turn of events though many that had previously rated pretty highly were left lurking in the lower numbers. This was the first time in twenty-five years that the novelty of Shit Wizards has not transferred into the popular levels of the top twenty.
“I don’t understand,” muttered Jack Hengly, leader of the Shit Wizard Collective, “everybody loves a shit wizard. I’ve made a career out of it. You go to pull a rabbit out of a hat and you accidentally spray mace in some kid’s eye. It’s a time-honoured tradition, especially in the UK. Quite what we did to earn number thirty-seven out of fifty is anyone’s guess.”
Lark Fonglebund, the representative of the Gangly Wizards, was also left similarly dumbfounded at their entry at number forty-four. “We’ve never placed anything lower than the late twenties. I was discussing this with my brethren last night via Skype and none of us could get our head’s around it. It feels very personal, I have taken this very personally. It’s practically bullying. They should feel ashamed of themselves.”
It came as no surprise to anyone when Chav Wizards hit number fifty straight away. There has never been any call for Chav Wizards, nor has anyone ever requested them, nor have they ever done anything deemed worthy by the magic community. In fact, nobody knows where they originally came from; it was as though they emerged during the night when everyone was sleeping and it was too late to do anything about them. This overall impression of those who can cast a spell to double their benefits in a matter of seconds hasn’t changed in decades.
“Look mate,” slurred Barry Scraggle, with a tab protruding from his mouth and a can of Newcastle Brown Ale in his battle-scarred hand, “we’ve had a bad reputation from day one. I don’t know why the f*cking f*ck cloud panty w*nkers have a problem with us. Yeah, all we do is drink cider and argue loudly in public places but that’s not against law. Well, part of it is. Some of it is. We know how to have a good time and those other hoity toity bookworm a*se cloggers are too busy making chapstick out of dragon’s earwax to notice.”
Not everyone hit the ground face first though. Animal wizards saw a surge in popularly, especially Weasel Wizards who landed the number nine spot a clear five places ahead of last year’s winners, the Beagles.
14 comments on “Newsboost – Worried Wizard Woes”
Any word on where filth wizards have placed this year?
Filth wizards remain popular despite the name. They claimed the coveted number 6 shortly after the top five, coveted because 6 is the real (secret) magic number.
Well, that’s a relief. Sixth isn’t where I want to be but if all the other top wizards have taken a fall in the charts I’ll settle for top ten.
I tell you what did surprise me, no dizzy wizards. After our timeless industrial nursery rhyme which crossed genres no other musicians dared to touch, you would think we would have more recognition for them. Poor lads.
None at all? I assumed they’d be number 1. Maybe it’s because they all fell off the hat and some of them died. It’s hard to be the best if you’re drowning in a river.
Not in ‘Drowning Monthly’. If they ever did a magic special, they’d be right up there. Right up.
That’s a very good point. Write that down.
It’s a shame that ‘Drowning Monthly’ has to keep getting new writers given that all of them drown too. What a job specification that, in addition to being a writer, you must be able to do it whilst treading water in a pool.
I subscribe for exactly that reason. Theirs are the most intrepid and committed journalists in publishing today, and the most damp.
Are you attracted to magazines that present writers in dangerous positions? If so, I would heartily recommend ‘Volcano Surfers’ or ‘Goose Honking Fortnightly’.
I absolutely am. I am also a regular reader of “The High Altitude Dangler”.
The Dangler is one of the faves in our house, let me tell you. We used to subscribe to “Toaster Bathing Monthly”, but it got new owners and was then all about how to keep your toaster clean. Sell outs.
That’s the biggest sell out since that band I used to like released their debut album and it wasn’t as good as the while label demos before they were famous so I scrapped everything.
Yeah, I often used to flick through “Toaster Bathing Monthly” at the newsagent, usually when I was in there to pick up my subscription to “Naked Deep Fat Frying Review”.
That was always a good one, along with its sister publication “Naked Ironing”.