User avatarStop your life! Everyday solutions

What do you do when you want to talk to girls? Do you have a manual that you refer to?
WRONG. Books cannot help. What about some chat up lines?
WRONG. They never work, they’ve been heard a million times before and you’ll sound like a cheese ball. What you need is the Smoochies Inc patented Incense Talk to Girls System*.

In order to cope with the crazy world of women you need a foolproof method. We have your back and we have your method. All you need is the Smoochies Inc Incense Talk to Girls system in your back pocket. Whilst it may look like a picture of incense sticks from the shop I wandered into this weekend, it’s actually the secret to talking to the ladies.

Picture this: you can talk normal people proper but when it comes to the opposite sex you struggle. Whip out the ITG system and you’ve got everything you need. Assimilate the names into any sentence for instant sex appeal. For example:

“Hey Sweet Fig, strap on your Lavender Blue and we’ll be Just Peachy.”

“Oh French Vanilla, you put the Fizzy Pop in my Nag Champer.”

“Girl, when you take me to your Butterfly Garden I am gonna Black Love your Mango.”

There is no way you can go wrong. You’ll be winning with women before you know it. Clear out your diary because you are booked for the next few months, Casanova. And so on. Smoothies Inc – guaranteed (ish).

*Not to be confused with the Smooches Inc patented Girl Talk System.

19 comments to Stop your life! Everyday solutions

  • This system is both repulsive and hilarious at the same time… it might just work.

    Also, I never want to find out what ‘Nag Champer’ smells like. It sounds like a Geordie euphemism.

  • The last time I threatened to Black Love someone’s Mango I was put on a register.

  • Kevil

    I’m going to Rain Angel Essence on your Red Hot Cinnamon

  • I’m going to Fizzy Pop your Enchanted Forest.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    There are so many combinations, why, we could spend all day doing this and still have more to spare.

  • That was my plan.

    I’m going to Witch Doctor your Egyptian Dragon.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    They are the gift that keeps on giving. Keep going, sunny Jim lad boy lad Jim sonny lad boy Jim.

  • Is that the new “hey no nonny nen to the no nay nonnington nen nay”?

    I’m going to Coconut your Amber Musk.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Nah, it’s something I ripped off from ‘The Mighty Boosh’ and it looks good when you write it down.

    Nothing will ever replace ‘nay nonny no nay’ or it’s much longer cousin ‘nay to the nonny to the “No, Nanette, No”, nay’.

  • Right.

    Well, in that case I’m DEFINITELY going to Coconut your Amber Musk. Just you wait.

  • Glad that’s cleared up.

    Now I’m going to put my Happy Mango in your Butterfly Garden.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    That one is especially filthy. That could practically have come from the velvet oven itself.

  • Kevil

    Thanks, I liked that one.

    If any of us could remember the password for that twitter account (or Chris ever answered the password reset emails) we could start it up again.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Yeah Chris, book that fucker off (what?)

  • Are there password reset emails? That’s exciting. I didn’t know I got those.

  • PS. Please could you now take your Happy Mango back out of my Butterfly Garden. I don’t like it.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Chris didn’t start the fire, but it’s always burning since the velvet oven.

    Kev didn’t start the fire, but he didn’t stoke it so the Changlet broke it.

  • Your enthusiasm for restarting the Velvet Oven has turned to a big heap of nen since I reset the password and let you both back in, hasn’t it? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that. I totally noticed that. My noticing of that is an ongoing event.

  • Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver

    Chill with the still. Now it’s cracked off again I’ve added it to my list of ‘things that need doing often’. It’s going to be wild like Kim Wilde, or possibly Michaela Strachen, or maybe even Terry Nutkins.

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