Earlier this year, I had a go at learning a new language on one of those language apps. It wasn’t very successful and started to feel like a bit of a chore, which isn’t the point, so I gave up after a few months.
I still have an account, though, and this particular app isn’t keen on letting you go. I occasionally still get a jolly email from them asking whether I’m going to come back. I don’t mind that. I do my thing and they do theirs, and everyone’s happy. Things are OK.
Until now.
Suddenly it’s not OK. Now the little cartoon owl is angry.
The message just gets worse from there. “Keep Duo happy, do your lessons” it says. Then it tells you an ominous parable about your feckless ways: “Every year, learners say they’ll learn a new language and Duo gets excited. Then they almost forgot their lessons, and Duo gets sad. That won’t happen this year, right?“
Then there’s some other distracting guff, before it finishes with an outright threat. “I’m going to make you do your lessons… by any means necessary. No one wants to see Duo when he gets upset. A few minutes of daily practice can keep Duo smiling in 2024. And a happy Duo means a safe and happy you.”
Screw you, Duo. I’ve unsubscribed.
8 comments on “Owl threats”
Just you wait. He’ll turn up at your house with a sack full of doorknobs in one hand and your testicles in the other.
If he’s arriving at my house with those things, how did he get hold of my testicles and where has he been with them?
Exactly. That’s part of his routine. He arrives *with* your testicles and you’re left wondering how he managed it. Some kind of owl magic maybe?
Jesus. These people are professionals. I don’t think I want to mess with them after all. Maybe I’ll do a few Cantonese lessons just to keep them sweet.
Do they have English on Duolingo? If so, crack off a couple of them and that owl will definitely back the fuck off.
You’re a genius! What a way to play the system. And the owl only understands hoots and twit-twoos so he won’t be any the wiser. It all sounds the same to him. What a moron.
What a fuck moron.
Also, I don’t care how many languages that owl know, if he comes at me like that again I’ll rip his beak off with a cheese grater.
(Yes, what a fuck moron)