So, what was 2020 to you? Was it a unique opportunity to develop your skills in a new working environment? Was it a chance to take some time off, away from the humdrum 9 to 5, by sitting at home and scratching yourself in places you forgot were there whilst being paid 80% of your usual wage? Could you remember a time before this when standing in line at the cinema or your train being ten minutes late was the biggest inconvenience in your life (or 30 seconds late for some people given that they don’t exist in the real world)?
Let me pull back the blistering skin burn that we call this year to highlight the people and mostly inanimate objects that have helped this bag of meat and bones get through the last twelve months:
- Wappy the robo puppy – if bowing and slightly turning your head to the right was a skill then Wappy would win 2020 paws down. With his sleek futuristic blue and white design, his blank expression and limited move set have seen me through some difficult times.
- Flat (Tiger) Kitty – the fun-loving prankster has been up to all kinds of hijinks. For the last few months he has remained perfectly still wearing a baseball cap and pointing his Nerf gun at the door to the living room, ready to protect my flat at any costs. That crazy orange and black stuffed animal.
- Mr R. Brek – despite expiring four years ago (wait, no, five years ago… ten years ago?!), Mr Brek still continues to fill my life with warmth and love. He’s the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning and last thing before the lights go out at night. A constant inspiration to prolonging a joke that was never funny in the first place, there will always be a place for him in my heart.
- Bri4n – a recent addition to the crew, the novelty robot has spent his time staring out the window at various passers-by. Whether raising his hand to salute dog walkers or keeping his arms aloft like a raging looney, there is still a lot of mileage left for this gimmick of gimmicks.
- Ted – though his physical presence was a hundred miles away, Ted was the only person (from memory) who actually sent me a letter this year. I also got some socks which was a cheeky bonus. I may still be puzzled as to whom Messy Monster is, and why I should share my socks with them, nonetheless his heartfelt message was one of the best things this year. Hopefully 2021 will provide the means of sending sausage rolls though the post safely.
Runners Up: Daisy the cow, the small collection of toys in the corner of my kitchen (who may have been acquiesced by a spider now they’re covered in webs), my tattoo of Archie the Badger from ‘Grandville’, my Pop Vinyl of Bob Ross and a tiny raccoon.
Oh and some other guys whose names I forget, Keith Harrup and Chas Millington maybe? You know who I mean.
10 comments on “Thank you”
I stopped reading this after the words “thank you”, safe in the knowledge that you’re welcome.
And you are. So very welcome.
I am welcome and you know what? You’re also welcome, welcome to have my friendship as your forever present.
That’s a big present. A huge present. I am, it has to be said, flattered to find that you’re willing to give me such an enormous, meaningful gift. Thank you.
Obviously, given its size, I’ll have to put it in the loft or maybe down the side of the garage or something. But I am pleased all the same.
When you move to your new gaff, Horseville or whatever it’s called, you can put it in the garden in an ornamental shed or something kind of gazebo.
There’s a space down the side of the house next to the wheely bins. I might put it there.
It’ll stick out if you put it there. What about in the loft?
Do you have a loft? Attic? Upper space? High room? Upstairs basement?
Yes, we have all of those, one above another all the way up to the sky. But that space will be full of stuff. I think the gift of your everlasting friendship might just have to go to the charity shop. There’s no room for it.
Charity shops are closed, mack, so you’ll have to stash it somewhere for now. How about up your big fat arse?
I’m not lying when I say that this last comment made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
That was the desired outcome