As I pulled into the car park, locked the car and headed into Asda I knew I was in a rush. I grabbed the beer I was looking for, paid and made my way back to the car. Asda Radio has a habit of playing a bizarre mix of music no matter what time of day you are there. Running late to a friend’s house the unmistakable tune of ‘Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit’ by Gina G was audible over the hubbub of other patrons of the supermarket. It took me back to 1996 when this was our entry in the Eurovision Song Contest…
Now we’ve all seen how much of a shambles Eurovision is, perhaps some more than others. As a young impressionable 13 year old I had a lot of free time on my hands. I do remember watching the whole thing because I was convinced that this song, this catchy piece of fluff, created in someone’s studio by faceless music executives and sung by an Australian, not even a native Brit, was going to win. I had a lot of faith at 13; I wonder where it went? I expect it also had a lot to do with the fact that I found Gina G insanely attractive (I was going through a red-head phase, something that has continued to this day). Still, it wasn’t enough for me to actually go out and buy the damn single when it was released, not that it mattered because it went straight to #1 anyway.
Does anyone remember what position the UK got in the 1996 Eurovision song contest? Nope, me neither. I had to look it up but I did know that we didn’t win. The lovely Ireland claimed the crown that year. In my confused teenage rage I drew a picture of a person, possibly me (?), kicking an Irish elephant in the groin. Now this does raise a few questions, the main ones for me are:
- Why didn’t I draw an animal that was native to Ireland in the first place?
- Was I convinced that elephants came from Ireland or was it the first animal that came to mind?
- I can’t draw elephants now; how on earth did I manage to draw one from memory without the aid of Google?
I can still see that elephant now, hands clutching where it’s penis should be, in extreme pain because of my kick to the cohonies. It is as if it’s been etched to the back of my mind, ready to haunt me when the time is right. Yes, I believe the elephant also had hands. Perhaps this is a rare instance of British pride where I wanted to believe that we were good at something and to share that with the rest of Europe.
By the way, have you ever read the lyrics to ‘Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit’? My favourite line is:
“I’ll give you love you can’t ignore.”
What kind of love is that? The one where you send bits of yourself through the post? The one where you set yourself on fire and jump off a building? It seems a bit full on for what is essentially a song about having a shag with someone.
33 comments on “An Admission of Sorts”
In what way was the elephant Irish? How did you draw that?
Wait. What am I asking that for when I could just ask – have you still got the picture and can we see it?
The next time I visit me mum I will check. I can’t imagine that I still have it though.
You could tell it was Irish because I had an arrow pointing to it stipulating ‘Irish elephant’.
Ah, yes, that would do it. The label would make it clear. I was hoping it would have had ears in the shape of shamrocks or perhaps a leprechaun hat with ginger hair poking out around the brim.
Oh no, nothing that subtle. Nothing that clever. It was a drawing born out of pure rage and therefore is absolutely incoherent to anyone with a pair of eyes.
It may have been pure, incoherent rage, but it was pure, incoherent rage in the name of Gina G, and surely she deserves to know that you took this stand against the Irish in her name. Perhaps we should write to her.
I don’t know if the sentiment will mean anything now, some *counts* 23 years later.
23 years… later… bloody hell…
It is a letter that needs to be sent. I imagine that much like the one me and Chris wrote to the RSPB about the lack of dinosaurs at Fairburn Inngs, it will be ignored, but it must be sent nonetheless.
If the drawing can’t be found, do you think you could recreate it for us? If you don’t have that kind of youthful rage any more, perhaps you could kick Reuben in the shin then ask him to draw it?
Two things are needed here. The first one is a drawing of this Irish elephant being booted in the short and curlies, which can be sent to Gina G at the earliest opportunity. The second is more information about the letter to Fairburn Ings, which I have no memory of.
I’m not sure if I still have a copy, I seem to think we hand wrote it and drew them a little picture of how dinosaurs would look there.
I’m delighted by this thing I have no memory of doing.
I choose to assume that all the other things I’ve done in my life, and then forgotten, would be equally charming if only I could remember them.
The reason why we wrote most things on here is so we don’t have to remember them, to keep them all in the same churny pot of nostalgia.
Is the letter mentioned on here, Kev?
I have to agree that the Beans is basically what I have instead of a functioning memory.
If it ever goes away what would we do? We’d be right up shit pan alley creek, or whatever it is!
I’ll have a chumble, it feels like it should be.
I’ve had a chumble, it isn’t.
I’ve also had a furtle through my OneDrive, and can only conclude that it was an old fashioned hand written affair. I can’t believe that we wouldn’t have taken a photo of it though.
I’d like to thank you for the extensive chumbling and furtles that you’ve invested in this task. Maybe the right thing to do now is ask whether it happened at all, or whether it’s some sort of weird dream.
I’m pretty sure it happened, it seems like an odd thing for me to have made up and casually dropped into an unrelated comment.
I don’t know Kev, remember the time we killed Chris and Alex in three different ways but it didn’t actually happen?
I still have that… but the internet would hate it nowadays because its in flash.
It would be an odd thing to make up and casually drop into an unrelated comment, but if I’m honest, it wouldn’t be the oddest thing ever to have been dropped into a comment here.
We’ve dropped so many random odd comments that I’ve lost count. I would be completely lost both with and without them.
Are you saying you’re completely lost? Describe to us what you can see, maybe we can work out where you are.
I am in a small room about seven minutes away.
I can see a table. On it there’s a gold bar, a loaf of bread, a potion and a silver key.
> TAKE KEY
Ian takes the silver key and, in doing so, knocks all the other items on the floor.
There is a rumbling in the distance. A horn sounds through the wall. There are goblins coming in the direction of the noise…
> LICK POTION OFF FLOOR
Ian moves down to the ground to lick the potion off the floor. He gets a lot of hair in his mouth as he does so. The potion was actually a mis-labelled bottle of cream so whilst it has a pleasant taste, the fact that it is spread amongst dead woodlice and dust does nothing to his self esteem.
> SEE IF GOBLINS WANT BREAD
Ian offers the goblins some bread. They take it but also cut off his arm at the same time to use as a filling for a sandwich.
He screams in horror at the stump that used to be a working appendage. Then he remembers his Windows phone, takes it out and starts fucking about with it.
I didn’t remember to look for the photo when I was last at me mum’s house so I still don’t have the picture.
No problem. Keep us updated.