The world is pretty macked, you’ll note,
Sweet Petunia, help us turn the tide.
The simple truth that everything’s better
With an onion nestled by your side.
I faced a day of vigorous work,
I faced a mountain of calls and ‘mails,
An onion at home there, steady and strong,
A solution, yes, that never fails.
The doctor had some bad news for me,
He called me into his surgery,
Before he spoke, an onion in hand,
I threw it at his face so grand.
The onion won and he fell over,
Knocked out by my supernova,
A triumphant look amidst my brow,
I quipped so quick, “Who’s laughing now?”
Don’t feel too bad when you need to cook,
Don’t even give it a second look.
That onion is so glad to aide
When you need some bulk to your bolognaise.
It will titter up your stir-fry woes,
You’ll forget about your week-day lows.
Your arms will rise when you realise
The flavour it brings to your sad meat pies.
It’s the tonic you’ve been waiting for,
Your new best friend, your new amor,
The world is sweeter with an onion to hand,
Everything’s better and life is so grand.
12 comments on “Everything’s better (with an onion)”
I’m a bit concerned that, when the doctor tried to deliver some grave news about your health, you threw an onion at him. Are you all better now? Or just running from the truth?
There is nothing he can tell me that can’t be solved with an onion.
Chronic bad breath can’t be solved with an onion. Only made worse.
(Like your face. #zingers)
Wouldn’t you rather have rampant onion fumes pointed in your general direction or terrible bad breathsicles?
If you’re offering me a choice, I would rather have delicious aromas of roast chicken and a wad of fifty pound notes pointed in my general direction.
No, none of that. You have two choices: barf breath or onion nose noise.
Take your pick.
I suppose in that case I have to choose the onion din over the gusts of vom.
‘Onion din and the gusts of vom’ is a film that I would love to see yet know that it will never be a thing.
I think it’s the title of the new Indiana Jones movie. The one where the lead character is 80 and nobody can understand why they can’t just leave something the fuck alone.
Topical and funny. You’re almost a podcast.
You’re not the first person to say that. I’ll be expanding on that theme in my forthcoming TED Talk, “I Should Be A God Damn Podcast Already”.
This should be a thing and I hope that it will be one day.